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[OptimalPerformance] LifeSyle vs. Freedom
April 1998 In this issue we will be looking at the difference between lifestyle and freedom. I will also be introducing you to a communication methodology that will add tremendous value to any relationship that you hold dear. News. *Please feel free to send articles in, or, let me know how this newsletter will best serve you. For example, if there is a topic that you would like to be covered, then let me know. * During the weekend of May 23/24 I will be presenting "The Coaching Clinic", a two day program training people to become coaches. This is an introductory program, not in the same ball park as the extensive training with Coachu, however, it will give you the essential skills and tools to becoming a coach. You will also have opportunities to practise these skills within the duration of the weekend. The weekend is for managers, parents, teachers and those interested in coaching as a career. Location will be on the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia, cost $395 AUS. Please contact me for details and to register. *I have received a lot of interest in the teleconference class on Becoming Irresistible Attractive, which is starting next week, Tuesday evening, 8.30 p.m Eastern Time (Sydney) in Australia. Lifestyle versus Freedom The western lifestyle is sooo, so seductive. Get a nice house in the right street, with 2 prestige cars in the driveway, go out to dinner several times a week, fill your wardrobe with designer clothes, have lots of toys - a boat, a golf cart, all of the electronic equipment.......Sound familiar? I know that for all of my teens and twenties, I was driven by this vision of success, that included all of the above. Success for me, meant that I had all of these things. Consequently, every morning when I got out of bed not having these things, on some level of my being, I was a failure. My spirit was slowly and surely shivelling up. The struggle of the striving was killing me. Fortunately, through a sequence of events, I finally committed to redefine my definition of success. Now, every morning if I wake up and I am breathing, then I am a success. The burden was lifted off me. It gave me, for the very first time, the opportunity to define my life on my terms, not in the terms of the expectations of others, or society. Further to this, I started to realise that maintaining a lifestyle, all of the trimmings of "success", is very expensive, both in time, energy and dollars. Did you ever find yourself having the thought, "if I only earn more money then I will be free"? And you go out and earn more money, and your lifestyle goes up, and you end up needing to earn more money - time becomes less available to you because you are busy earning money to maintain the lifestyle, and when you are not busy earning money, you are busy maintaining the lifestyle, and have no time left for the simple pleasures, and no time left for you. It becomes a very sickening vicious circle. And the price, ultimately, is your freedom. Ask yourself the question, "what is more important to me, maintaining my lifestyle, or having my freedom?" Get A Life, Not Just A Lifestyle By Thomas Leonard, all rights reserved. 1. Understand that there is difference between living life and having a lifestyle. There's an ad for a financial services firm that goes like this: "Are you working for a living or are you working for a life?" I'll change it a bit to read: "Are you working for a lifestyle or are you living your life?" Life and lifestyle are both synonymous and mutually exclusive, depending on how you look at this. The key question to ask yourself is "How much of my life is being consumed by my lifestyle?" 2. Start learning about different ways of living. I am shocked sometimes by how few options people feel that they have, or how they've rarely considered how they might life their life differently. So, look around and notice who has a life (or even a lifestyle!) that you find intriguing. Then, have lunch with this person and ask them lots of questions about how they live, what's important to them, how have they changed their life or lifestyle significantly and what other changes they may want to make. 3. Identify what about your life isn't really you at all. We're all products of our culture and our environment. Of peer pressure and group norms. Of advertising and the desire to get ahead. And so forth. So few of us really examine who we are; it's often easier to live a role or have the right car. It's safe to say that most people haven't really chosen their lives; they've only chosen their lifestyle -- or perhaps, a lifestyle has chosen them. Break the cycle by working with a coach who can help you identify what about yourself and about life is most fundamentally most important to you. 4. Identify what is natural for you, even if not normal for others. Of the 200+ countries in our world, Americans are thought to be the most individualist of all cultures. We tend to do what we want and to heck with what others think. Well, compared to a Brit, anyway. But the trend of 'doing your own thing' continues and it's accelerating. At one point, let's say in the 60's, doing your own thing was as much as doing the opposite of convention as it was doing something of your own design. But we have gotten better and better at this skill set and the entrepreneur movement in America is one piece of evidence. Today, we have the tools and the technology to afford to do our own thing professionally. Creativity and freedom are held in high regard and normalcy is often scoffed at. You now do have the societal and cultural freedom (even more than you may realise) to discover and orient around what is natural for you, because normal isn't natural for many. Now, just give yourself this freedom. 5. Lifestyles are expensive to support and prevent you from evolving. If you're living pay cheque to pay cheque and supporting your lifestyle more than saving money, your lifestyle is too expensive. You're trapped in it; you must keep working in the job you have, in order to afford your lifestyle. I'm not knocking lifestyle. I'm just pointing out that as long as you feel the pull to fund a lifestyle and you can't afford to stop working, your rate of development/evolution will be much slower than it could be. Rapid personal development occurs when you have the time, space and reserves to afford to experiment with new ways of thinking, working and living. If you're living wonderfully, yet close to the edge, you can't really afford to progress in some very important ways. And you probably won't be attractive. A lifestyle is generally seductive; a person is attractive. Take your pick. (Note: If you have plenty of reserves, enjoy your lifestyle completely! But if not, simplify.) 6. Identify who gives you life, and who are merely players in your lifestyle. One's lifestyle has a theatrical element to it. Everything from valet parkers to tailors. Housekeepers to architects. Starbucks to Lutece. Again, I'm not knocking wonderfully rich lifestyles at all! I'm just suggesting that you identify who it is who adds joy and energy to your life vs who merely supports, entertains or assists you. 7. Downsize, rightsize or even toss out your current lifestyle, just for the shock of it. Most of my clients refuse to downsize their lifestyle until they experience a crisis of money, divorce or health problems. Oh well. I've given up pestering them, but I am also not surprised when I see them struggling to become more attractive. They can't figure out why it's not working as easily as advertised. The primary reason? They are unwilling to give up some of the trappings they have. To them, downsizing their lifestyle means to go the Caribbean instead of to Australia. Business class instead of first class. An Infiniti instead of a Lexus. Again, I'm not knocking luxury; I live luxuriously. But my lifestyle is optional (meaning it's fun, it's not my identity) and it's something that I'd immediately downscale at any sign of financial concern. I don't suggest that my clients become monks and go ascetic; but if their lifestyle is constricting their ability to be themselves, they've got a problem. 8. Spend an hour and write down what an ideal life for you would look like. Ever done that before? Write down the people, objects, work, feelings and home which would comprise your ideal life? Why not put on some tea or coffee right now, sit in a comfy place and start writing it out? Or, you can use the online system if you'd like help getting started. It's available at http://www.thomasleonard.com/ideal/default.html. It's nothing fancy, but it will get you started with some good questions and choices! 9. Get to know what your Values are. Values are those things in life which we find ourselves naturally drawn to and even desire to express. Beauty, Peace, Creativity, Discovery and Harmony are examples of values. There is a complete list of about 150 values located at http://www.attractionu.com/21.html. 10. Stop striving, acquiring, pushing yourself. If you 'gave up' right now (meaning checking out of the rat race/lifestyle race), how would your life be better? How would it be different? What's the worst that could happen? What would you lose that's not replaceable? How would you change as a person? How would you spend your time? What path might you start down that's very different from the one you're on now? What goals would you let go? How would you motivate yourself? Would you even need to? These are the questions worth asking.
The technique I am about to present is one of the most powerful communication tools for any relationship, be it friends, lovers, family or business. I learnt this tool from The Excellerated Learning Institute, the organisation behind The Money and You Seminar series. What I feel like saying is....... Rules (these rules must be fully understood by all participants, and agreed upon in entirety, otherwise the process will not work) 1. When the floor is held by the designated speaker, there must be absolutely no interruptions by anyone else. 2. The people/person listening to the speaker must commit to fully listen, and stay completely present to what is being said at the time. They must not be planning what they are going to say in reply, or thinking about their day ahead. 3. There must be no judgement or criticism of what is being said during the entire process. 4. The people/person listening must acknowledge that what the speaker is saying is true for the speaker at the time of sharing. 6. The next person to speak starts with "Thankyou for sharing. What I feel like saying is..." Continue as in No 5. above. 7. The process is continued in a circle, until everyone has said all they have to say, and all participants are complete. (no residual anger, no frustration, no shame, nothing left unsaid) What this process does is allow a safe space within relationship to tell our truth, knowing that we will not be judged, criticised, interrupted, ridiculed, shamed.....It gives us the opportunity to be fully heard, with respect. A rare occurrence in any communication. Use it regularly, daily, and especially when there is an upset. Use it in business to build a strong and trusting team, use it with families, to heal pain and celebrate love. Use it to create intimacy beyond your dreams.
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