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[OptimalPerformance] Rules vs. Agreements
June 1998 In this issue: We will look at the distinctions between rules and
agreements. How to create more powerful relationships, both personal and
business, by having very clear boundaries. News Items:
* Due to a logistical problem in getting material from the U.S. I have had
to postpone 'The Coaching Clinic'. It will now be held on July 11 and 12.
This clinic is available to anyone interested in enhancing their
communication skills by learning the coaching language. It will be held on
the Gold Coast, and the fee is $395. Please contact me for further
information. *I have three openings in my coaching practice for one-on-one coaching. If you have an area of your life that you are struggling with, be it
relationships, career, money, health, business, then do consider hiring me
as your coach. Give me a call and we will set up an appointment for an
interview. *The services I have to offer are as follows:
Corporate Leadership Coaching - encompassing leadership development, team facilitation, transition and succession. For example, I work with teams to optimise efficiency, improve relating skills, and increase employee
retention.
Professional and Personal Coaching - which includes life design, personal
balance, transition planning, relating and relationship skills, health and
fitness enhancement and personal achievement.
Entrepreneurial coaching - such as developing a vision and a mission,
increasing profitability, business start-ups, and professional development.
Professional athlete life coaching - becoming a consistent performer,
getting to Gold, creating a champion team, balancing mind body and spirit,
and maximising the dollars.
Seminars and Training in Coaching, 'Becoming Irresistibly Attractive', and
'Becoming Problem Free', to name just two.
Key note and professional speaking.
Mentor Coaching to Coaches. In following issues I will outline in more detail some of the services I
offer. Please tell your friends and associates about these services, if
appropriate. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Setting Boundaries in Relationships. The strength of any relationship is always enhanced when there is no
expectations, no assumptions made, and the boundaries are clearly
demarcated. In this issue I will give you some guidelines for boundaries
that will work in any relationship, personal or business, provided there is
agreement. Look at the relationships that matter most to you. There are
always unspoken rules and agreements in place. Such as "you are not allowed to hit me." Problems occur in relationships where the rules are unspoken, and when broken, someone gets upset, because they didn't expect to get treated this way. Sound familiar? Well here is a solution. It is called building a relationship consciously, that is "loose /tight". Have some rules in place that every one understands and agrees on 100%,
Simple rules, that are more to do with behaviour than physical action, ie:
speak supportively in distinction, to, you must be home by 10 p.m. every
night. The rules set the context for behaviour, they allow a lot of physical
freedom (loose), and yet keep the behaviour very respectful (tight). Once the rules have been set, and I will give you an idea of what rules
could work at the end of this, then set up agreements. Agreements have to be agreed upon by everyone in the relationship, and are looser than the rules, because they can be changed, by agreement. For
example, if in your office environment, your team decides to make an
agreement about being on time, and you are running late, then to be
responsible and respectful to your team, you would call as soon as you were
able, to let them know you were late. If you are persistently late, your
team might make a new agreement with you that would support you being on time. Agreements are more uniquely tailored to the environment of the
relationship, and the circumstances. In any relationship where there are no rules and no agreements, clearly
defined, you will also find upset, drama, confusion, disappointment and
struggle. Some people have a fear about setting rules and agreements,
because they feel that they will be trapped, or locked in. Not so.
Actually, when properly created, having rules and agreements will free you within the relationship, because the burden of expectation and assumption will be gone. And remember, that to set great rules and agreements, everyone must be either involved, or be in agreeance. (Catch 22). Here are some rules that may support you. (These rules have been adapted
from the Excellerated Learning Institute.) 1. Be willing to support our purpose, rules and goals.
Application - In business, to support the purpose, rules and goals of the
business. If you don't know what they are, find out, or be involved in the
creation of the purpose. The clearer you are on the purpose of the
business, the more able you are to get behind it, or leave and find a
purpose that is within your integrity.
In relationship, if you don't have a purpose, create one. In intimate
relationships, many people get together because of chemistry, and when the hormones stop jumping, if there is no clearly defined purpose to the
relationship, then, the relationship will stagnate. My purpose in a
relationship is to create an environment whereby the unique talents and
potential of both people flourish to their maximum, joyously, creatively,
and with ease. 2. Speak supportively.
This is fairly self-explanatory, and yet how many people can honestly say
that they do this at all times? It means don't gossip, don't slander, don't
damage people with your words. Anytime. 3. Acknowledge whatever is being communicated as being true for the speaker at that time. You may not agree with it, and you may not like it. And in 30 seconds it may no longer be true for the speaker. (Think of a time when you really felt like you could punch someone out of shear frustration, yet, underneath that feeling, you love them. In the heat of the moment you might say something like, "when you do that it drives me nuts and I just want to hit you." In one minute, the feeling is gone, and the love is there. In the heat of the moment, the words you spoke were true.) 4. Complete your agreements. (responsibility)
* Make only agreements that you are willing and intend to keep.
*Communicate any potential broken agreement at the first appropriate time.
*Clear up any broken agreements at the first appropriate opportunity.
Remember to under-promise and over-deliver. Therefore, before you make any agreements, do an internal check, and ask yourself, "do I want to make this agreement?", "will I be able to keep this agreement without getting
stressed?" ,"will making this agreement be in alignment with my own
integrity?" If in doubt, don't make the agreement. 5. If a problem arises, first look to the system for corrections and then
communicate the solution to the person who can do something about it.
In organisations, most problems are system problems and NOT people
problems. Most people blame people first, not look at the system. In
primary relationships, it is usually lack of clear communication, which
creates the problem, not the person. So correct the communication/system. 6. Be effective and efficient - optimise every event, do more with less.
Always look for more efficient ways to do things. Get support, work with a
team, delegate. In personal relationships, there are always chores to be
done. Two people actively working with the intent of being effective and
efficient, will create fun ways to complete tasks in half the time. 7. Have the willingness to win and allow others to win.
Do your best work, and not at the expense of others. 8. Focus on what works.
Many of us get caught up in what doesn't work. 9. When in doubt trust your feelings and intuition.
That twinge of doubt is often there to indicate something is not quite
right. Trust it. 10. Agree to Disagree.
Don't waste time in argument. It is generally counterproductive. This does
not mean that you have to give up your opinion, rather, it means to accept
the other persons opinion as being their opinion, and it is OK that it be
different to yours. Be willing to hear their opinion fully, try to
understand it, to see it from their point of view. If you listen completely, you may even learn something about them, or their opinion,
which may add value to you. Do you see how these rules create the loose/tight scenario? Ultimately, we
all wish to be in environments where respect for ourselves and others is
high. Now to agreements. I will give you a list of a few possible agreements that
you may modify for either the business or personal situations. I would
recommend that at least once a month you have a meeting to discuss the
agreements, to talk about what is working and what is not, what you could
do that would be more effective.... Possible agreements in a relationship
*be monogamous
*to not withhold anything - feelings, concerns, truths.
*to support partner in the way he or she requests to be supported
*to be clear on duties and responsibilities, for example, who does the
cleaning, the car, the lawn, the ironing, and how often.
*to have clear agreements around money, who pays for what, how much you put
into savings, what investments you are making
*to have agreements around communication, for example, to not go to sleep
at night until all upsets are cleared up
*to clear up any upset as soon as appropriately possible. (Not in the
middle of a crowded party, or on a busy street corner) Possible agreements in Business
*be responsible for being clear on your duties and responsibilities
*keep time agreements
*dress in the manner agreed upon
*keep your work area tidy
*clean up after yourself Life can definitely be problem free, if you create the environment. Working
with rules and agreements will create safe, efficient and loving
environments where people can flourish, both as individuals and as a team. I hope this will add value to your relationships, Blessings,
Christine P.S The following is a press release that you may find interesting.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: May 13, 1998
COACHING CLIENT SURVEY RESULTS: COACHING HAS MEASURABLE IMPACT ON CLIENTS
98% SAY INVESTMENT WELL WORTH IT ANGEL FIRE, NM-- Results of the first-ever comprehensive survey of
clients of personal and business coaches underscored the value, impact and
endurance this emerging profession is enjoying, still in its infancy.
Coaches, the new breed of consultant/personal advisor that clients are
hiring to help them succeed at their goals, have established fiercely loyal
clientele and are, apparently, here to stay. During the first quarter of 1998, The International Coach Federation polled
210 coaching clients for demographic data and opinions as part of its
research effort into the legal, regulatory, and credentialing issues that
it has confronted during its rapid growth. All respondents had a formal
relationship with an ICF coach, regularly meeting for strategy sessions for
an average of nine months. The highlights of the survey findings include: * 70% of respondents said their investment in a coach was "very valuable";
28.5% said their investment was "valuable".
* 94% of respondents believe coaching is here to stay and become a
recognized profession.
* Half of the respondents confide in their coach as much as their best
friend, spouse or therapist; 12% say they confide in their coach more than
anyone else.
* 84.8% of respondents said the main role of their coach is to be a
sounding board - to listen to them and give honest feedback. 78.1% called
the coach a motivator, 56.7% a friend, 50.5% a mentor, and 46.7% a business
consultant and 41% a teacher.
* 80.5% of respondents say they turn to their coach for help on time
management, 74.3% for career guidance, 73.8% for business advice, 58.6% on relationships/family issues, 51.9% on physical/wellness issues, 45.2% on
personal issues, 39.5% on goal-setting, 38.1% on financial guidance and 11%
on creativity.
* The outcomes that clients most often attribute to their coaching are a
higher level of self-awareness (67.6%), smarter goal-setting (62.4%), a
more balanced life (60.5%), lower stress levels (57.1%), self-discovery
(52.9%), more self-confidence (52.4%), improvement in quality of life
(43.3%), enhanced communication skills (39.5%), project completion (35.7%), health or fitness improvement (33.8%), better relationship with boss or co-workers (33.3%), better family relationships (33.3%), increased energy (31.9%), more fun (31.9%), more income (25.7%), stopped a bad habit (25.7%), change in career (24.3%), more free time (22.9%), etc. * 197 out of 210 respondents are employed professionals.
* 82% of coaching clients have undergraduate degrees; over a third hold
Master's degrees or higher.
Coaching seems to be the latest evolution in the self-improvement industry,
but far more pervasive, as it reaches into corporations and organizations,
not just the lives of individuals. Coaching works because the coach helps
his or her clients set and reach higher and more appropriate goals, asks
more of them than they would have done on their own and focuses them to
produce results more quickly. Coaching uses a process of inquiry and
personal discovery to build the client's level of awareness and
responsibility, and provides the client with structure, support and
feedback. Coaching is a form of consulting, but the coach stays with the
client to help implement the new skills, changes and goals to make sure
they really happen. However, coaches do not try to "fix" a client - it is
entirely up to the client to take the action in order to change their life. This poll was conducted by consultant Amy Watson, Principal, PROfusion
Public Relations, with survey design assistance by Jackie Rieves Watson,
Ph.D., professor of management and statistics, Amber University. None of
the results should be considered conclusive or highly scientific since
scientific conditions were not established for the responses. The ICF (www.coachfederation.org) is the world's largest professional
association of business and personal coaches, with 120 chapters in most
U.S. states and 20 countries. The ICF is a non-profit virtual organization
with board members, staff, volunteers and members located all over the
world. The ICF offers a free Coach Referral Service via its website.
For more information on the 1998 ICF Survey of Coaching Clients, contact
Amy Watson at (714) 376-7500 or amywatson@amywatson.com.
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