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Extraordinary Leader #10, Responsible Relating
MAY 2001: The Extraordinary Leader Newsletter. Issue #10.
More than 1,100 subscribers now receive this free monthly newsletter. Thanks for passing it on! To SUBSCRIBE send an e-mail to, mail to: admin@the-elite-group.com Copyright, 2001, Christine McDougall. For permission to post or reprint, please see notice at the end. ******************************************* Contents. ******************************************* LEADERSHIP.- The three realms of being. In working with my clients one of the important reasons that I am paid is so that I can point out to my clients things that they didn't know about themselves, or the world. One of my clients had a way of being in the world that acted out as the victim. This would manifest most powerfully when she made requests of others. Her head would drop down, her chest collapse, and her voice would take on a whiny tone. She did not know that this was the way she was being in the world. In my coaching, I mirrored her behaviour as exactly as I could. She got to see and hear what she looked like when she made requests. She was amazed, had no idea that she looked such a victim, so unworthy. We worked on how to make requests, standing upright, chin up, shoulders back, looking the person straight in the eye and asking specifically for what she wanted. The difference was profound. She discovered what she didn't know she didn't know, and was able to make a major shift because of that. We each have behaviours that we have grown into, often times without conscious awareness. Manipulation is one such possible behaviour. Playing the role of victim is another one. Many people live out these behaviours without knowing that this is their way of being. The job of the coach and leader is to awaken people to their own blindness. In this action, transformation occurs, easily and effortlessly. There are three realms we live in. 1. The realm of what we know we know. 2. The realm of what we know we don't know. 3. The realm of what we don't know we don't know. The realm of what we don't know we don't know is the richest place to hang out in. It is here that you notice opportunities, that you can see without bias or judgement, that you are open to new possibilities and creations. It is also the realm of transformation. People do not have to go dragging back through their past to transform old patterns of being that are no longer serving them. They simply have to be awakened to their own blindness and then choose if this serves them now or not. *********************************************** This last month I have been working with many clients on their personal responsibility in communication. The easiest way to demonstrate this is to imagine that our words are represented by a tennis ball. I am having a conversation with you, so I throw the ball to you. You have now received my words, but this is where it gets tricky. You are going to bring to your listening of my words, all your life experiences to date. As such, the way you receive my words will be adding all your own interpretations to them. And, more than likely, a few of your own assumptions. The question that we are then to ask, is who is responsible for the communication, the giver, or the receiver? There is a saying (taken from a personal growth program, Money and You), that true communication is the response I get. Therefore, for the point of this exercise, I would like you to consider that you are responsible for how the message is received. If you take this position in your communication, you will make sure that the receiver will get the message your are delivering, and not their own interpretation of it. Conversely, the receiver is responsible for choosing to receive the message, or not. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, ~~No-one can make you inferior without your consent.~~ No one can abuse you verbally, or make you angry, or hurt you with words, without you receiving the words. When we give people the power to hurt us with words, we are giving up our own authority. We are also endorsing their actions. Many relationships are in suffering because we have allowed ourselves to receive words as conversation that does not support us. We have taken the tennis ball and played, versus putting the ball down and getting out of the game. In my coaching I was working with another coach on this. How do we say to someone that we will not take receive their abusive words anymore in a way that supports them? An example. ~I will not listen to you talking to me with such abusive words. I would be very happy to sit with you and talk about what is upsetting you, but not if you abuse me. My feeling is that you are capable of behaving in a much bigger way towards me. When you are ready to do that, you will have my full attention.~ Another example. A child getting her way via manipulation. ~If you want something, I request that you ask me for it directly. If you don't know exactly what it is that you want, tell me that you don't know and I would be happy to work with you to discover what it is. I will not be party to this game of manipulation. You are capable of more than this.~ In summary, your are responsible for the receipt of your message, and you are responsible for choosing if you will receive a delivered message or not. ************************************************************** ON THE PERSONAL SIDE. My daughter Natalie is 10 years old. Some of you may know that I am a single parent, and have been this way for nearly 9 years. It certainly gets easier, although I was blessed with the dream child, so it never has been really hard. Natalie has become my companion and friend. She is an excellent fashion co-ordinator, and I rarely buy clothes without her council. Her school is producing a musical, Kings, this month, and Natalie has a solo singing part. (I am really quite surprised, as no one in our family has any real musical qualities.) She is quite the actress though. She had her first full rehearsal last week, and one the way home she said, ~Mum, it was awful when I had to sing and I could see all of those people. I can't do this. I am too scared.~ I had laser surgery on my eyes two weeks ago, which felt like a miracle, so easy, and after 26 years, I no longer have to wear glasses or contact lenses. Finally, my running training is finally getting back up there into shape. I am either doing a marathon or half marathon in 8 weeks. Running for the joy of it. (I gave up racing. I do much better when I run for the fun of it. Even my times are better.) ************************************************* ON THE BUSINESS SIDE; Yes, for those of you who have been wondering, there has been a hiatus between newsletters. The last one was published in December 2000. I habitually make the two weeks at the end of the year weeks of reflection, inquiry and personal discovery. Where am I going, what am I doing, and why? This year was no exception, and while I gained much clarity during my two focus weeks, it has taken the last four busy months to integrate and get real clarity. It has been an exciting and busy time. One of the great things about being a coach is that it is imperative that you, the coach grows. Well, fortunately, I love to grow and be challenged. For long term subscribers, you will know that when I started this newsletter I called it Optimal Performance. Then Margaret Krause and I joined forces with The Elite Group, and we changed the title to Extraordinary Leader. Marg and I are continuing with The Elite Group, indeed, we are working with a major client, one of the big four Australian Banks, which has been very stimulating work. What we have decided to do is to get very clear and focused on what it is that we deliver. To that end we are continuing to develop our existing Coach Approach program, which was designed to train managers and leaders to be coach managers and coach leaders. The program is a two day live delivery with a minimum of three months teleforum coaching. Our focus for the next year or so will be on the further refinement and development of that program, with the objective being to have it be such an excellent program that it is sort after world wide, and can be licensed out to certified coach/trainers. Marg's personal business, Margaret Krause Coaching International, is focused on working with Executives, Management Teams and Small Business Owners, who are striving and committed to making a difference. The newsletter will for the time being, be edited and published by Christine McDougall International, and will include updates and invitations from The Elite Group. I have changed the format, adding more personal insights. I would welcome your comments. Have a great month, Christine McDougall
UP COMING EVENTS. I have been accepted to lead a segment of LIVE coaching at the ICF 2001 Coaching Conference in Chicago. (see www.coachfederation.org for more information about the Conference). The catch is that I must coach a group or team. Therefore, I am looking for a group or team of people, who work together and would like to have more efficient, honest relationships with each other, who would be willing to be coached as a group publicly. The format is either live (you would need to be in Chicago August 16 or 17) or by telephone link up. As part of the pre-work, I would organise to interview each member of the team (no more than 12 people), by telephone. And I will do all of this for Free. You will be required to sign the ICF documents releasing the session tapes and any rights to them. This will be a fun and valuable experience, if you are willing to step up to the plate. E-mail me on info@christinemcdougall.com if this would work for your team, or if you know anyone who would be interested. ******************************************** You may reprint this newsletter and forward it to all your customers and colleagues. Please keep the copyright and contact information intact, like this. Copyright 2001 Christine McDougall To SUBSCRIBE, send a blank message to To UNSUBSCRIBE, send a blank message to To CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS, simply visit www.christinemcdougall.com and unsubscribe your old address and subscribe your new address. To subscribe a group, send a list of e-mail addresses to info@christinemcdougall.com **************************************** Christine McDougall International ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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