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Extraordinary Leader#15, There is an Elephant in our Conversation!In summary, all of our communication is the basis of life and work. All upsets, misunderstandings, wars and pain occurs through miscommunication. Be vigilant to possible elephants and get them out of your conversations the moment you become aware of them. Keep your relationships and conversations clean and clear and you will have fewer fires to put out, less problems and a freer life. December 2001: The Extraordinary Leader Newsletter. Issue #15. ************************************************************** Practical action you can take to improve your leadership, communications and awareness. More than 1,330 subscribers now receive this free monthly newsletter. Thanks for passing it on! To SUBSCRIBE send an e-mail to, mail to: info@christinemcdougall.com Copyright, 2001, Christine McDougall. For permission to post or reprint, please see notice at the end. *************************************************************** Contents. *************************************************************** There is an Elephant in the Conversation. This article is an extension of issue #8, Step Overs. For a copy of this issue, send an email to mailto:info@christinemcdougall.com?subject=issue#8 Many of us have elephants sitting in the middle of conversations we have, and we do not know they are there! What am I talking about? I am sure you have all experienced elephants in your conversations. You would have called them something else. There are several varieties of elephant that sit in conversations. Scenario 1. Speaking out loud what is real in the present. (From the Coaching Formula, mailto:info@christinemcdougall.com?subject=#6 ,Tell the Truth, speak out Loud what you are Thinking/Feeling/Seeing, appropriately) Here is what you can do. ~~Bob, I get the feeling that you think this whole coaching deal is a waste of time? Let's talk about that, and how we can make this time valuable to you?~ Bob gets to talk about how he is really feeling/thinking and you, as the leader coach, can keep the conversation going until you have agreement and understanding. (In the coaching model, ~get clear, move forward...get clear, move forward~). Scenario 2. Holding back an opinion. Other times, when you have an opinion, and you really do not care so much about it or the person, the opinion will go as soon as the person leaves the conversation. This is not an elephant, and you may be wise to hold your tongue. There is always the appropriate use of language in talking about the elephant. Please refer to issue # 6, The Coaching Formula, and issue # 14, Service as Leader Coach, for more information on how to be appropriate in the conversation. For copies of these articles, send an email to; mailto:info@christinemcdougall.com?subject=issue#6and#8 Here is what you could say to your friend.
Of course, if Mary says no to your request, you have to let go and be willing to support her through the growth that will occur, no matter what and without an ~I told you so~. (Beware the need to be right). Five Steps to Removing Elephants. 1. Elephants need to be acknowledged first. ~Ahh! I think I sense an elephant sitting in our conversation.~ 2. Then they need to be talked about. ~This elephant looks like X, behaves life Y, smells like Z, and makes me feel like A. 3. Once you have talked about how the elephant looks to you, you need to ask the person you are in communication with if they see the elephant. (Sometimes they will not see/feel it). ~Can you see/feel the elephant? How does it make you feel/look/behave?~ 4. As soon as you talk about the elephant and get clear, it goes away. Until that point, clarity of communication will not be achieved. 5. Keep on the look out for more elephants. They have a way of getting into our conversations without us really being aware of them. In summary, all of our communication is the basis of life and work. All upsets, misunderstandings, wars and pain occurs through miscommunication. Be vigilant to possible elephants and get them out of your conversations the moment you become aware of them. Keep your relationships and conversations clean and clear and you will have fewer fires to put out, less problems and a freer life. ************************************************************** ON THE PERSONAL SIDE: I had a great trip to Atlanta Georgia for an International Coach Federation (ICF) Board retreat. (www.coachfederation.org). It was great to reconnect with my fellow Board members and get to know the incoming Board members. We now have representation on the Board from Japan, Germany, France, UK and Australia, as well as North America. We did a lot of planning work for the new year and are all very excited about the possibilities for the ICF. On the way back home I spent four days in Park City, Utah. Park City is the venue for about 40% of the Winter Olympic Events, a 40 minute drive from Salt Lake City It is a beautiful ski resort town. I was blessed to be there after 112 inches of fresh snow, plus snow every day and very few people on the mountain. I spent four days developing my snowboarding skills, loving every minute of it. For two days I was on the mountain with Ernest Oriente, coach extraordinaire (www.powerhour.com). We both were very grateful for the life we have created, where we spent the day out on the mountain. Ernest works from 3.30 a.m. till about 10 a.m., and I worked from 5 p.m. till 11 p.m. for two of my days in Park City. What a life to be able to travel, play and work. Creating the life you want is one of the things I work on with my clients. One of the highlights of the trip was to discover the work of Thomas Mangelsen, photographer (www.mangelsen.com). I walked into a gallery in Park City and was rendered speechless at the magnificence of his work. He sees the world of nature and animals and light with such an eye, and translates that into film. Gobsmacked is a word I could well use to describe my reaction to his work. And incredibly humbled to be reminded so poignantly how beautiful our planet is. Natalie completed year five at school and is now on her summer holidays. During her last week of school she was having a bad start to the day. I drove her as usual to the bus stop. On the way there she said, ~I can just tell it is going to be a bad day. Every time I don't wash my hair, it ends up being a bad day!~ Much to her chagrin (it really didn't help matters) I burst into laughter. Right there in front of me was a classic example of the beliefs we adopt that are really nonsensical, and could play out for years to come. Think of how miserable her life could be if she really adopted this belief. Fortunately, we talked it through and she decided that unwashed hair days don't have to be bad. In fact, there is no relationship between one and the other. During the summer holidays we have planned self defense classes, salsa classes, trips to theme parks, rock climbing, picnics, swimming, movies, and lots of stories. Plus mangos, the beach and ice cream. I am taking two weeks between Christmas day and New Year to go into retreat to plan, review and read. One of my very favourite things to do. *********************************************************** ON THE BUSINESS SIDE: Business this year has been great for me. When I was out on the mountain riding my snowboard, I discovered a powerful metaphor. As a beginner snowboarder (having snowboarded for 7 days in July in New Zealand), I hired an instructor on day one. He took me down a slope called Snow Dancer. Together we did this slope three times. By the end of our session, something clicked in me and I ~got~ snowboarding. Listening to my internal conversation I was aware of me saying things to myself such as.~I can do this~, ~this feels great~, ~I get this now~, ~look at me~. When I was out on the mountain with Ernest, a very experienced skier, we went on some beautiful but challenging runs. After several hours, I could hear my internal conversation saying things like this. ~I can't do this~ I can't seem to get my heal side turn right~, ~this is too hard~......ad nauseam. I said to Ernest, ~My confidence has gone down, I need to go back to Snow Dancer and ride that run again, to get my confidence back.~ And so we did. At the bottom of the run, my confidence was back and I was back to saying ~I can do this~, ~This is great!~. We all need a Snow Dancer in our life. A run that we know we know that we can do, and takes us back to knowing when we forget that we know. What are your Snow Dancers? You may have them in your business life, personal life, relationship life? They can be strong memories that you have anchored into your body, or they may be things that you do that remind you of how capable you really are. I end this year feeling incredibly blessed for my life, my family, the wonderful relationships I have with friends and clients, my extremely good health and for the beauty that we are surrounded with. May your life be blessed, Happy holiday season,
UP COMING EVENTS: ICF Conference Spain, May 2002 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright 2001 Christine McDougall To SUBSCRIBE, send message to To UNSUBSCRIBE, simply visit www.christinemcdougall.com and unsubscribe. To CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS, simply visit www.christinemcdougall.com and unsubscribe your old address and subscribe your new address. To subscribe a group, send a list of e-mail addresses to info@christinemcdougall.com
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