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Extraordinary Leader#17, Feb 2002, Quit the No Win GameIf you place the racket on the ground, leave the court and refuse to pick the racket up again, even if they continue to hit the ball off the court, the game is over. It does not matter how hard your partner hits the ball, how frequently, or when: you no longer play. Game over. Even if they do backwards cartwheels, make threats; large or small, if you quietly refuse to pick up the racket, the game is over. February 2002: The Extraordinary Leader Newsletter. Issue #17. In my work as Coach and my personal experience in my own life, I have observed some of the games that we play, and continue to play, over and over. This always leads to the same result and yet people wonder why the situation never seems to change. As our life is predominately about the quality of our relationships, both at work and at home, I will use the example of a relationship involving two people to illustrate this topic. To re-enforce the power of this exercise, choose a relationship in your life, with a co-worker, friend or spouse, where you are experiencing some level of perturbation. Then follow the steps below, in reference to this chosen relationship. Step1. There is a saying, one of my favourites: The Truth Shall Set you Free, but first it might p*** you off. The first step involves the willingness for you to admit that you have been a contributing factor to the friction. Even if you feel strongly that it is the other person's fault entirely. If you look at the dynamics of the relationship as a game, this may help. Let's say you are both on the tennis court, on opposite sides of the net. They hit the ball to you. If you hit back, you are in the game, no matter what form the hit takes. Loving, angry, thoughtful, gentle, or with frustration. If you place the racket on the ground, leave the court and refuse to pick the racket up again, even if they continue to hit the ball off the court, the game is over. It does not matter how hard your partner hits the ball, how frequently, or when: you no longer play. Game over. Even if they do backwards cartwheels, make threats; large or small, if you quietly refuse to pick up the racket, the game is over. So, back to step one. Step 2. Clearly Identify What The Game Is. Now it is time to give the game a name. In order to clearly see what game you are playing, first STOP. Great leaders and leader coaches exist in two realms consecutively. It is also helpful to request the feedback/opinion of a completely independent party, such as a coach, whose vision of the relationship will have a cleaner edge. (Choose this person well, as it is important that they are not emotionally involved and have no personal agenda). Now look at the game squarely in the eye, and call it for what it is. An example of this. One of my clients was a partner in a company of three partners. They were all highly competitive with each other, using all sorts of game tactics and manipulative strategies to get the upper hand. (Sounds familiar?) Step 3. Choose another, bigger game and refocus your attention on that. It is much easier to change your play habits if you have a bigger game to play. We are all sick and tired of playing the small stuff. Challenge yourself to a bigger game. (Do avoid starting a new game, the ~~I am better than you because I am playing a Bigger Game~~game. This is one I have had to work on in my life, because righteousness has been one of my favourite games!) Keep your focus centred on the bigger game. Get excited about that and refuse to play small. Refuse to justify/defend period. (What would our world be like if our politicians refused to justify or defend? Wow, what a great example that would be for our children!) Please email me at Info@christinemcdougall.com if you have any questions or examples of this topic, or any area where you have accepted Step 1, and are stuck at Step 2 or 3. I will do my best to help you see the game you are playing and how to stop, by choosing to play bigger. ******************************************************** This month has been an exciting one in our household. Natalie started year 6, her final year of junior school. She was also elected House Captain, which for a non-sporting kind of person, is very exciting. It is her first leadership role. She has discovered in the subsequent weeks, that leadership can be fraught with obstacles appearing from strange places, such as jealousy from other children. Natalie also has celebrated her 11th birthday, with large quantities of chocolate cake, hours of pool fun with her friends and many presents. It has been interesting to watch her motivations in life. Fun is the first priority. If it is not fun, her interest wanes in about 20 seconds. Hard when we are working on spelling! She would be well suited to having a Mary Poppins in her life. All this is made even trickier when her mother is motivated by learning, is not afraid of pain (as in hard physical pain), and likes order in the home. This makes a great playground for us both to learn. I certainly need to be more fun (she calls me boring) and she could well learn that making mistakes and learning can be fun. This month I have had my first experience with TV, having spent 2.5 hours being filmed for a program which will air on Australian TV next Thursday 28th February, Insight (SBS) at 8.30. One of my clients in Perth agreed to participate, and there is a segment of me coaching her, although in truth, I was taped two days after Gabrielle, so it is really delayed coaching. I will reserve my comment until after I have seen the program. The experience itself was interesting, and enjoyable and I am grateful for the opportunity. I will also try my hand at live radio this month, with a session going to air next Wednesday night at around 7.30 pm till 9 pm, on Gold FM, a local radio station. The subject is Truth, which is my most favourite subjects.
I am a speedy kind of person. I like to do things fast. Work, run, drive, think..all fast. Sometimes this is great and sometimes it gets in the way. One of my very best continuing educational processes comes from my participation in sport. I learn so much about me, my choices, my spirit, other people and life in general through my sport. I was working with a client the other day, someone who operates mentally on an even faster speed than I do and I passed on this analogy. He found it useful. I hope you do as well. I am a swimmer. Three days a week I swim at least 3-4 km, in a squad. It is fairly intense. I have been doing this for about 5 years all year round. I love it because swimming is about mastering technique and so at all times, we are working on making something better/more effcetive. Therefore it is never boring. However, my technique is not very efficient. In fact, while I am quite fast, I average about 60 strokes per 50 metres. The Ian Thorpes of the world can do it easily in under 40. Alex Popov I am told can do it in 25. To visualise this, I am a thrashing machine, churning through the water, while people like Ian Thorpe look like they are moving through the water very peacefully and slowly. Actually, they are moving very fast. What happens under water is what counts and they make every part of the pull through the water really count. For the longest time I have equated speed with fast. Swimming is teaching me that speed is power and may mean that I have to deliberately slow down to maximize my potential. In a world that seems to be speeding up more each year, this is a powerful reminder that slowing down, even STOPping (as per the article above), will create more efficiency and ultimately, more power. My client recognized that he was operating at such a high mental speed (frantic) that nothing was actually getting done. He realized that he simply had to slow down his thinking and put more power into his thoughts to gain true speed. In my business, I have chosen to slow down, in order to speed up. I have started working with a fabulous company who will be my coaches in implementing business systems and structures to make my life and my business easier. I want to make sure that my power stroke under water is at the maximum effectiveness and efficiency. Enjoy your month, Warmly, Christine ******************************************************** TV Interview, Coaching, SBS Australia, to be aired, 8.30 pm, 28th February, on the Insight Program ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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