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The concept of Response-Ability comes from Rick Carson’s, "Taming Your Gremlin". Our interactions with others are dependent on our taking responsibility for our reactions and our responses to what is seen and heard. It is inappropriate to just react and say and do hurtful things to someone our of reactivity. This can only make the problem worse. The following is an excerpt from my latest book, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love" on tips to communicate effectively. I use both a Shadow Process form of communication along with the IMAGO Relationship Model's Intentional Dialogue to help couples through difficult frustrations and conflicts with one another. Clearings Cliff Barry’s communication model, which complements the Imago model, has four parts: data, judgment, feelings, and “what I want.” Barry calls these communicatin strategies clearings, in that you clear up the misunderstandings that stand in the way of you and your partner’s having good feelings toward each other and staying connected. Data As Sender, you say to your partner, “I want to do a clearing with you regarding my frustration about ______,” then tell him what your frustration is. You state the data by talking about only the facts. You report what you heard him say and saw him do, word for word, and action for action. As Sender, you do not interpret, judge, or try to change anything you perceived. Describe his behavior dispassionately, as if you were explaining it to a third party who wasn’t there and wanted “Just the facts.” Talking to a someone with whom you’re in a relationship, you would say, “I heard you say, ‘________’” or “I saw you _______,” keeping your own feelings and judgments totally out of this part of the exchange. Other behaviors you can mention include, “When you rolled your eyes . . . ” or “When you looked away while I was talking . . .”
Using the Imago communication method, the other person simply mirrors the data of what he hears. All that the listener—or Receiver—is to do is reflect back what he hears you saying, nothing more. Otherwise, he breaks the mirror. Your tone of voice should be the same as if you were in a restaurant, asking, “Please pass the salt and pepper.” Judgment In any significant situation, we can’t help judging what happened, and the closer we are to the person involved, the more reactive we are and the more judgments we have. But in the judgment phase, you have the opportunity to verbalize your beliefs and explain your opinions about what you saw and heard; and the listener should mirror your judgment. We can’t help judging what happened in any significant situation, and the closer we are to the person involved, the more reactive we are and the more judgments we have. Here you are free to go into details of what you assume is going on. Remember that it’s your truth, not the truth. Here, you can say things like, “My guess about why you did that or said that is _____.”
A cautionary note: one can go too far with judgment by becoming critical or contemptuous, turning into one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. That’s not what this process is for. Understand that it offers a safe way for you to purge your judgments so they’re no longer in your way. Doing so, you may discover some information about yourself; indeed, most of your judgments are really reflections on yourself. Removing your judgments lets you hear your partner more clearly. This process lets the Sender discover what his own judgments say about him as well. In other words, your judgments are almost always more about you than about whomever you’re judging. This helps you discover your shadow. Listening to your partner’s judgments, it’s crucial to keep this in mind. Otherwise, you’ll take things too personally and not be able to listen. But there’s almost always some truth to what your partner is telling you. Staying curious about whether there’s any truth to his judgments helps you, as the listener, examine your own shadow. We often fear judgment because it is wielded in such negative, punitive ways. In my groups and workshops, I invite participants to voice their judgments in a safe and contained way. Through hearing others’ judgments—as well as their own—group members can learn a great deal about themselves and how they’re perceived by others. If expressed and explored constructively, these oft-distorted reflections get corrected, helping people identify and work through each of their shadows. Feelings To accomplish this next stage, you need to be in touch with your feelings as the Sender and know how to express all of them, both positive and negative. Typical emotions to use as baselines are mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, and even sexual. Most other feelings are spinoffs from those. As the Sender, you would begin sentences like, “What hurts me about this frustration with you is _____” and “What scares and worries me about that frustration is ______.”
The next important technique comes from IRT. The Sender begins by saying, “This reminds me of my childhood when _____.” This helps both you and your partner remember you’re often being triggered by something that happened in your past. The event in question needn’t be about your childhood (though it often is), but also about your past relationships. It’s to your advantage to determine how your shadow is interfering in your current life. If you don’t clear up unresolved issues from those past relationships, they’ll likely follow you into the next one. All of these feelings, judgments, and what you are reminded of in your past helps you move away from the surface problem (which is usually not the real problem anyway) and helps both the Sender and the Receiver understand that more is at play here than the specific, superficial argument they’re having. Feelings and histories also play their part in the conflict. But when you share your feelings, it’s not fair to say things like, “You make me feel _____” or “I wouldn’t feel this way if you wouldn’t _____.” This puts the cause of your emotions on your partner, where it doesn’t belong. Better to say things like, “When you tell me_____, I feel _____” or “I feel this way when you _____.” That keeps the responsibility and accountability on you. Before progressing to the final “what I want” quarter, I suggest that the Receiver validate what his partner is saying. Remember: this is not agreement—rather, it’s simply letting him know that you’ve listened to him and that what he says makes sense from his point of view. Again, you keep on breaking through the “belief symbiosis” trap that suggests that your partner thinks as you do and sees things exactly the same way (or damn well ought to). “What I Want” What do you want that would relieve the frustration you’re having with your partner? Imago employs a technique called Behavior Change Requests (BCR), in which one partner tells the other partner what he wants in a specifically outlined way. These requests should be positive, measurable, specific, and time-limited (PMST). As you can see, BCR works perfectly together with the “what I want” phase of communication. “What I want” means saying what you do want, not what you don’t want. Be specific: say exactly what you want, so there’s no guessing and your partner knows exactly what to do. Make it measurable, as in: “I want__________ every day” and time-limited: “for the next two weeks” or “over the next month.” The trick here is to keep the time duration short enough that it can be measured and thereby not easily forgotten. Usually, the Sending partner suggests three BCRs. That gives the Receiving partner choices and lets him choose which one he can fulfill. The Receiver, however, might hear all three and not be able or willing to do any of them. As the Sender, you need to be flexible, remembering that if your partner says no, it simply means that right now, he cannot make that kind of commitment to any of the three. You want him to commit only to what he can do. For his part, the Receiver can modify one request and ask, “Is that okay with you?” Also, he needs to understand that the Sender may not be okay with that at all—and be willing to come up with three more things. As the Sender offering three BCRs, you might secretly hope that your partner will pick a certain one and feel angry, sad, or hurt when he doesn’t. You have to remind yourself that you will get whatever he can give at this time. Later, you’ll have other opportunities to return to whichever BCR you want to give. The secret here is keeping the same goodwill toward each other that you shared at the beginning. In these moments of communication, suspend judgments or at least don’t act on them, and remember that each of you is doing the best he can and committing to the things he knows he can do best.
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A workshop on sex, love and intimacy for Gay and Bisexual Men December 31-January 7, 2007 Esalen in Big Sur, California
esalen.org This workshop is for partnered and/or single gay men. While male couples can attend it is not designed for the couple. Both partners can work together in exercises but the focus will be on them individually. This workshop focuses on sex, love, and intimacy among gay men. Joe Kort writes: "Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know if their sexual fantasies and/or sexual acts are healthy versus unhealthy. The secret logic of sexual fantasies and desires can help unlock information stored away in a gay man's history that can help him enjoy his sexuality even more. There is an erotic intelligence that can teach a person how to know and understand himself in a deeper way." This workshop starts out with the sexual aspects of relationships and moves to love and commitment. Gay men will learn the mystery of why they are drawn to Mr. Right and how to stay connected and partnered with the man of their dreams. This workshop will focus on how to incorporate sex, love, and intimacy, and how to keep and maintain a relationship.
*Come to UNCOVER and DISCOVER your Sexual Shadow!*
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ABOUT THE WORKSHOP: We live in a sexually illiterate society. There is little to no permission to examine openly our sexuality in terms of orientation, behavior and fantasies. Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know if their sexual fantasies and/or sexual acts are healthy versus unhealthy. While gay men are more inclined to act out their sexual desires and fantasies more openly than their heterosexual counterparts, there still lies confusion as to what is positive and self-affirming and what is not. There is also confusion about what is sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men. Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts, are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them combined. This workshop will help clarify all of this. How do you define sex? What is healthy versus unhealthy sex? Do you understand the secret logic of your sexual fantasies? What is your sexual shadow? Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual appetite? Do you carry sexual shame? How do you feel about your body? Do you want to improve your sex life? Are you getting the love you want in your relationship? Are you keeping the love you find when you think you found Mr. Right? What is your definition of love? What is your definition of intimacy? What are the stages of love? These are just some of the questions we will be examining at the upcoming workshop. The workshop will include guided imagery, experiential exercises, communication exercises and lectures. We will explore sexual behavior and fantasies with understanding, compassion, and without judgment.
For more information about Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror and for cost, times and registration go to Registration
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Queer Ear for the Straight Therapist: Helping straight clinicians work with Gays and Lesbians As a psychotherapist, if you have gay and lesbian clients, It’s not enough to be gay-friendly. The fact is, even the best intentioned therapists have some level of homophobia to overcome. From birth, heterosexist culture imprints us to think that heterosexuality is primary,and that any other orientation is inferior. It’s not even enough to be gay yourself. Gay or straight, we’re taught the homonegative belief that the "alternate lifestyle" of being gay is a more difficult way to live. But the "alternative" of living heterosexually is actually harder for gay men and lesbians, and can lead only to depression and self-defeating, or even self-destructive behaviors. Learn the issues that gay men and lesbians face. They may surprise you! COMING From WW Norton Books by Joe Kort: "Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide" by Joe Kort, MSW, LMSW This book will offer skills and information to straight therapist working with gay, bisexual and lesbian clients. It is not enough to be gay friendly. It is crucial that therapists be armed with the facts and information to do effective work with their gay, lesbian and bisexual clients. It is based on my work with Gay and Lesbian clients, my own personal journey as a gay male and psychotherapist of 21 years, along with the information I teach at Wayne State University's School of Social Work on Lesbian and Gay Studies
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