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IN THIS ISSUE OF KORT'S KORNER:

Weekend Workshop for Lesbian and Gay Couples

Relationship Classes for Straight, Gay, Bisexual & Lesbian Inviduals in Royal Oak, MI

Straightguise.com (A NEW BLOG) is up and running!

Meeting your new guy’s friends

Article in Psychotherapy Networker, July/Aug 2007: Gay Guise: What to do when your client has sex with men and is not gay.

Joe's Book Updates

For past issues of Kort's Korner go to the archives at http://casts.webvalence.com/sites/KortsKorner/

Getting The Love You Want Lesbian/Gay Couples Workshop in Royal Oak, MI

Gay and Lesbian Workshop October 19-21, 2007

Royal Oak, Michigan in Joe Kort's Office

I am presenting these workshops for couples based on the best-selling book, "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Dr. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. which can be purchased in Joe's library

This workshop is worth 6 months worth of work and time in couple's therapy. While not a therapy weekend, it is very psycho-educational and therapeutic. You will learn several effective communication exercises which start you in the right direction to work through hard conversations and resolve conflicts with your partner

This is not group therapy of any kind.

Couples often worry that they will be asked to disclose personal information within their relationship. This is not true. The majority of the workshop is private for the couples in terms of what they are discussing. Often couples will come through the workshop and never say anything publicly about the inner workings of their relationship. There is no pressure or requirement for group sharing. The confidentiality and privacy of your relationship is assured unless you decide to disclose yourself at the workshop. This keeps the workshop safe and effective.

Relationship Class for Straight Singles and Gay/Lesbian Singles

Every Tuesday 8-10 pm, October 2-November 13, 2007 in Royal Oak, MI

SIX WEEK WORKSHOP FOR GAY, LESBIAN, AND STRAIGHT SINGLES

This 6 week workshop is appropriate for singles not currently in a relationship, who are tired of making the same mistakes over and over again and want to learn the secret to finding and keeping lasting love. This workshop is all about transforming the self. Often we are tempted to think the problem is "finding the right person." But this workshop is all about "becoming the right person."

This workshop is also an ideal follow-up workshop for those who have taken the couples workshop. Couples have gone through this workshop together after the couples workshop. It is a great opportunity to reflect on one's self within the relationship.

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For more information about cost and times and/or to register for the Relations Classes and Workshops go to REGISTRATION

What Are Some Reasons Men Have Sex with Other Men?

Assessing all the possibilities such as homo- or bisexuality, sexual addiction, bi-curiosity, homo-eroticism, sexual abuse and more will help you understand your situation. It’s important to note that these categories are not mutually exclusive, in that some individuals may fall into more than one category.

Hetero-Emotional, but Homo-Sexual

These men are romantically attracted to women. Usually heterosexually married, they can be sexual with the women they love, but are predominately aroused and driven by desire for sex with other men—not romance. They see themselves as heterosexuals with only sexual interests in men.

Sex Workers/Male Escorts

These heterosexual men engage in sexual behavior mainly for financial reward. They lack desire for the other men and are aroused by the behavior, not the client.

Shame Seekers

These heterosexual men feel strongly compelled to seek intensely arousing but shameful experiences—dildo sex, bondage, and various sexual experiences and preferences that would typically be labeled as homosexual. To avoid having females identify them in this way, they seek out men whom they perceive as non-judgmental.

Sexual Experimenters

Heterosexual boys often experiment with other males, usually during adolescence and up to age 25, out of sheer curiosity. A heterosexual male might be interested—particularly while intoxicated—to experiment sexually with another man. However, it is simply experimentation and may not happen again. When women experiment it’s understood that is all it is and it is often for the arousal of heterosexual men, such as in films like “Girls Gone Wild.” They are usually not labeled lesbians.

Sexual Addicts

“Gay” behavior can also result from sexual addiction. Sometimes the escalation of sexual behaviors can compel a man to be sexual with another man for another level of his “sexual high,” or provide him with a sexual opportunity because he is so driven to act on his urges.

Opportunists

These straight men have high sex drives and are aroused easily. They
connect with men for quick and easy release, avoiding emotional engagement. Heterosexual patients tell me they have done this to avoid having to “wine and dine” a female partner who they perceive won’t provide sex without a relational experience, whereas most gay men will. This is not a comment on homosexuality as much as it is about males, as this kind of “quickie, anonymous” sex doesn’t occur with lesbians like it does with gay men.

Father-Hunters

These heterosexual men lacked affection and attention from their fathers, and now seek sex with men as a way of finding that nurturance and male acceptance. These clients will often admit the sex was not enjoyable—and certainly not as enjoyable as with women. They wished they could have sat, talked, and just be held by the man they hooked up with. It’s an attempt to satisfy their “father hunger.”

To read more go to www.straightguise.com

Things are great when it’s just the two of you. But then one day your new beau utters the phrase, “I’d love for you to meet some of my pals” and you know it’s time for the Friend Test.

Don’t panic. This is actually a good thing. He’s seeing you as someone who might stick around for a while, and he’s ready to gauge how you fit with the pieces already in place (i.e., his social circle). But that’s also precisely why it’s very important to make a good impression at this juncture in your relationship. “In the gay world, meeting a new beau’s friends for the first time is like meeting his family,” says Joe Kort, MSW, a psychotherapist and author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. “A gay guy is going to look for his friends’ approval before moving towards exclusivity.”

With that in mind, we’ve gathered some expert and real-people advice to help you sail through that first friend meet-up. Read on to learn more at MSN Dating and Personals

I would love to know your thoughts and hope you would blog about it too at www.straightguise.com
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Gay Guise: What to do when your client has sex with men, but is straight

By Joe Kort

Paul, a slim, attractive, 29-year-old white man who owns a landscaping company, was referred to me by his therapist (with whom he was making no progress) shortly after he attempted suicide. He told me that eight months previously, Julie, his fiancée, had discovered that he'd been having unprotected anal sex with men. When she confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke down and confessed. Devastated and angry, she broke off their engagement, accusing him of being duplicitous (she believed they were monogamous) and secretive. Worst of all, she felt frightened that he'd put her at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Paul loved Julie and said he knew she was the woman for him. They'd dated for three years and been engaged for one. He hadn't told her about his homoerotic tendencies, nor had he confessed his suspicions that he might be bisexual. Then again, he thought every guy had some homoerotic thoughts that he probably kept private. He couldn't understand why Julie was so angry with him or why she didn't try to understand what he was going through.

Instead, Julie had rebuffed all his desperate and obsessive attempts to win her back. Ultimately, she'd had a restraining order issued against him. Shortly after this, Paul engaged in a binge of sexual acting-out with both men and women, culminating in the suicide attempt that brought him to my office.

This has happened many times: a man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as a gay or bisexual man. But even though he's had sex with other men or gone to gay male Internet porn sites, he insists he isn't gay. He says he isn't homophobic, either; if it turns out that he is gay or bisexual, he'll accept it and move on with his life—but it just doesn't feel right to him.
Historically, psychotherapy assumed homosexuality was a psychological disorder. Therapists focused on helping clients "recover" and find their innate heterosexuality, much to the harm of many gays and lesbians. During the last three decades, in reaction to these prejudiced and destructive attitudes, we've seen the pendulum swing so far the other way that it's now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are "in denial," and that the clinician's job was to help them recognize and accept their "true" homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men.
The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren't gay or bisexual. Although their confused mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay men go on to develop a gay identity, whereas these men don't.

Therapists who treat such men need to realize that just because a client is sexual with the same gender doesn't necessarily reflect his sexual or romantic orientation. While we may believe we've accurately assessed whether a client is gay, it isn't up to us as therapists to make this judgment. Countertransference, cultural stereotypes, and personal feelings too often enter the therapy room and complicate our work—particularly with these clients. Therapists need to help such clients discover for themselves whether they're acting out a gay or bisexual identity by asking the right questions and by agreeing on a shared vocabulary.

To read more go to Gay Guise

Introduction
Start Your Hero's Journey and Let Your Initiation Begin!
Chapter 1
Live in Integrity and Be Accountable to Yourself and Your Partner
Chapter 2
Become the Man You Were Meant to Be
Chapter 3
Discover How What You Hate Can Help You Love
Chapter 4
Go from a Gay Boy to a Gay Man with Your Father
Chapter 5
Recognize the Difference Between Mommy Nearest, Mommy Dearest, and Mommy Queerest
Chapter 6
Learn How To Disarm--Not Strong-arm--Your Partner In Communication
Chapter 7
Know Your Sexual Shadow
Chapter 8
Understand the New Mixed Marriage: When Three's a Crowd
Chapter 9
How to Call It Quits Without Being a Quitter
Chapter 10
Bring Your Own Shadow

By showing how to look closely at the deepest sources of your wants and needs, "10 SMART THINGS GAY MEN CAN DO TO FIND REAL LOVE" will help you achieve the kind of lasting close relationships you deserve.

Visit Joe's library to purchase the book.
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"10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives

Introduction
What Works? And What Doesnt
Chapter 1
Take Charge of Their Own Lives
Chapter 2
Affirm Themselves by Coming Out
Chapter 3
Resolve Differences With Parents and Relatives
Chapter 4
"Graduate" From Delayed Adolescence
Chapter 5
Avoid-or Overcome-Sexual Addiction
Chapter 6
Learn from Successful Mentors Who've Been There, Done That
Chapter 7
Take Advantage of "Therapy Workouts"
Chapter 8
Achieve-and Maintain-Rewarding Relationships
Chapter 9
Understand the Stages of Loves
Chapter 10
Commit to Their Partner

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Foreign translations of Joe's First Book

"10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" was originally published in 2003. In 2004 it was translated in both German and in Spanish.

Each of these books can be ordered at Joe's library
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Click on the images of the books to purchase Joe's two published books at Joe's library .
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Now ready for PRE-ORDER:

Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician:
The Essential Guide

In press from WW Norton Books due out in 2007*

A book for helping straight clinicians work with Gays and Lesbians
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As a psychotherapist, if you have gay and lesbian clients,

It’s not enough to be gay-friendly.

The fact is, even the best intentioned therapists have some level of homophobia to overcome.

From birth, heterosexist culture imprints us to think that heterosexuality is primary,and that any other orientation is inferior.

It’s not even enough to be gay yourself.

Gay or straight, we’re taught the homo-negative belief that the "alternate lifestyle" of being gay is a more difficult way to live. But the "alternative" of living heterosexually is actually harder for gay men and lesbians, and can lead only to depression and self-defeating, or even self-destructive behaviors.

Learn the issues that gay men and lesbians face.

They may surprise you!

To pre-order click here >>> "Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide" by Joe Kort, MSW, LMSW

This book will offer skills and information to straight therapist working with gay, bisexual and lesbian clients. It is not enough to be gay friendly. It is crucial that therapists be armed with the facts and information to do effective work with their gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.

It is based on my work with Gay and Lesbian clients, my own personal journey as a gay male and psychotherapist of 21 years, along with the information I teach at Wayne State University's School of Social Work on Lesbian and Gay Studies
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Autographed Books

You can purchase an autographed copy of Joe's books by using a credit card or sending a check, money order to

Joe Kort, LMSW, 25600 Woodward Ave., Suite 218, Royal Oak, MI 48067

$25 per book (includes shipping and handling)
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If you want to book a signing or workshop anywhere in your area please feel free to contact me at joekort@joekort.com or 248-399-7317.