Welcome
to my monthly e-newsletter "The Quest." My name
is Siobhan (Sha-vaun) Murphy and my company provides coaching,
training and speaking services to entrepreneurs, professionals
and executives.
"Surrender, forgive, and give the gift of gratitude – three spiritual principles ... you can practice to bring the presence of God into ... your experience." ~ Life’s Longing for Itself, by Diane HarmonyMoving Through Loss
One of the things I listen for in coaching my clients is the resistance they are exhibiting. Sometimes this comes from fear or self-limiting beliefs. Other times, it comes from not facing and dealing with a loss.
Loss comes in many forms. It could be the loss of a key client account. It could be the loss of a person or a relationship. Job loss, industry changes, and the process of aging or when our children leave home all present us with some forms of loss.
Recently, I read an interesting article on the loss that adoptive families face: the loss of the birth parents in giving up their child; the loss of the child in losing their birth parents; and the loss of the adoptive parents in perhaps not being able to have a child with their heredity.
The author of the article, Diane Harmony, suggests three steps through such loss. The first step is to surrender to the situation. The next is to forgive and the last step is give the gift of gratitude.
Let’s see how that might apply to other losses:
The first step is to surrender to the loss. Surrender means "to cross over to the winning side." It means accepting that there is nothing we can do to change the fact of the loss. We are, in fact, powerless over many of the losses we experience in life. To surrender means to stop fighting the process of life or the event – to drop our resistance to the loss. One of the most empowering ways I’ve seen to accept a loss is to ask: "What’s perfect about this?" A hard question in many instances. But this question forces us to look at the possibility that a divine order is at work here.
Often times, just becoming aware that a loss has been experienced is helpful. Some of my most painful losses in life came when I had to give up my way of looking at the world – when I gave up deeply cherished beliefs.
The second step is to forgive.
Forgive who? Well, that depends on who we’ve been blaming – consciously or sub-consciously – for the loss. I’ve blamed God, the government, the terrorists, my employer, my spouse, my parents, big business, welfare recipients and the list goes on. Sometimes, the person I need to forgive is me. Why forgive? Because holding something against another is the ultimate way of resisting our OWN good. Forgiveness unhooks us emotionally from whoever we’ve been blaming and frees up the energy we were using up by resenting.
The third step is to become grateful.
Energy is released when we surrender and forgive. From this new vantage point, we can become grateful for the wonders of what IS now. If we’ve lost a relationship, we can be grateful for the good times, for lessons learned, for who we are now as a result of that relationship. If we’ve lost a job, we can be grateful for the new opportunities, for the years of good employment, for all we learned on that job and for the people we met. If it’s a belief we’re relinquishing, we can be grateful for how that belief supported us in the past. Like an old garment, we can cast it aside and appreciate the view our new vantage point provides.
Janice lost a job without much notice. She had to move through the shock and accept her losses: the income, the routine, the identity and the structure the job had provided. Once she surrendered, she saw a huge opportunity. She allowed herself some time off to regroup and replenish herself after years of working long hours. She forgave her employer for laying her off. Then she got grateful for being able to go for work she always wanted to do but had been too complacent and too busy to pursue.
Coach’s request: Ask yourself, "Have I lost anything lately?" If so, consider where you are in the three step process of moving through the loss. Are you refusing to accept something or surrender to the fact of the loss? Who do you need to forgive? Who else? What can you be grateful for in the new world this loss has created?
I’d love to hear your experience with how you’ve moved through loss. Just e-mail me at smm@questcoaching.com with the SUBJECT: MOVING THROUGH LOSS in the header.
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I help clients make connections between the invisible – their thoughts, feelings and attitudes – and the visible – the tangible results they experience in their lives. E-mail me at smm@questcoaching.com to see how coaching can help you shine your light brighter.
Women, Weight and Spirituality – an evening of conversation for women about a subject that affects us all. June 8, 2004 from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. Watermill Inn, Nesconset, New York. See www.wecci.org to register. I will be facilitating one of the tables of discussion.Profit Beyond Your Dreams. On June 19, 2004, enjoy a hands-on workshop to achieve Management Excellence. For small business owners. I’m a sponsor of this event. See www.small2smart.com to register.
Excelerator Coaching in Ireland. Managers: Want to learn how to coach your staff more effectively? Always wanted to go to Ireland and want a good reason to go now? Are you a coach or trainer who would love to add a powerful coaching program to your offerings? Siobhan is off to Ireland with coach Carollyne Conlinn to bring you an amazing three day experience. Early September 2004. Cork City. See www.exceleratorcoaching.com or e-mail Siobhan for more details.
