WORK IN PROGRESS
(Life, Me, You, This Newsletter) Vol. VI, Issue 6, March 15, 2002

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In this issue:
---On Perspectives & Conflicts
---Introducing Small Steps
---Recommended reading on conflicts within families and at work

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ON PERSPECTIVES AND CONFLICTS

There are 360 degrees from which to view any point, any objective. Some of those degrees are so close to each other as to be virtually identical. Some are diametrically opposite to each other. A mountain that from one side may be seen as a series of gentle and obviously scalable slopes may show a steeply precipitous and dangerous nature from another. For the most part, we can only benefit by becoming aware of, and comprehending of, the viewpoints that differ from our own.

Sometimes that new viewpoint can be life-changing in the way that it opens up new horizons.

A theme that the film industry enjoys is one in which individuals have to take the place of each other, and in which they learn, to their astonishment, that there is much more to the life of the other person than they had anticipated. Sometimes dramatically, sometimes humorously, the pauper discovers that the prince has worries and responsibilities. The prince learns about a world he had never known existed. The businessman finds that being female is not all eating bonbons and taking life easy. The city slicker and the cowboy learn from each other and come to respect worlds which they had previously viewed through distorted lenses. Each has learned a new perspective.

It is amazing how differently different people may perceive even the same situation. Two siblings, living through exactly the same family history, may as adults compare notes and find that their memories of the same events are in some cases completely different. Perhaps one saw things with the eyes of a ten year old, and the other could perceive and understand only as a five year old. Perhaps each identified with a different parent. Either way, different perspectives control how we see things, and therefore how we experience them, how we feel about them, sometimes for many years to come.

Sometimes emotions can narrow our perspective on specific situations, or individuals so that we can see no one else's point of view. Many family feuds occur this way. In a recent workshop relating to family patterns, individual after individual spoke of ways in which one part of a family had been isolated from another, often for reasons which nobody could even remember. I myself have four first cousins who I have never met because of a falling out between our fathers, brothers who no doubt played joyously as children, but eventually as adults squabbled over who knows what... and died unreconciled. If either one had ever been able to step out of his own role and view the dispute through the perspective of the other, perhaps a family could have been reunited, but that did not happen. In family pattern work this is so common as to have its own name. Such a separation is called a "cut-off."

Not only within families, but within friendships, and within work environments, such cut-offs can do long-term harm to our emotional well-being and our ability to function effectively.

Sometimes such difference of viewpoint can occur even without isolation. The family, or the colleagues, may continue to communicate to a limited extent, without discussing their issues. Sometimes one individual may not even be fully aware of the resentment that the other bears. I think of someone who went from teens to his mid-thirties deeply resenting an older relative who had gone to his parents about a relationship he had been in when in his early teens. They had never discussed the event, and he did not want to. He simply saw it as a successful attempt to get him into trouble, and bore the grudge accordingly. One day I started asking him questions about the situation. It turned out that he had been in his very young teens, and that his paramour had been in her late twenties. Suddenly, as he talked, it was as though a light bulb had come on! He realized, for the first time, that in fact this was not the normal, intense first love that he had pictured through all the years. It was a form of child abuse, and the relative who he had so resented for so long had sought to save him from it. It was as though a weight had lifted from his shoulders as he saw the situation from a new perspective.

Sometimes efforts at reconciliation are sabotaged because we cannot let go of our own perspective, or our need to be perceived as right, long enough to grant that the other viewpoint, too, might be right. Two people may try to get together, but at the beginning they feel a need to go into long explanations as to WHY they thought, or spoke, or acted, as they did. While done with the best of intentions, this can often come across as attempting to justify themselves, to explain why THEY were right in what they did, which may be experienced as a repetition of the original event, and so the misunderstanding may be continued.

If you have an interest in preparing for such a reconciliation, or at least attempting one, it is a good idea to attempt to walk around to the other person's side of the mountain and take a look at the view before you actually begin communicating directly. One way of doing this is by the technique of dialog journaling, which I re-introduce here from time to time because it is so very powerful.

Imagine that you are writing a script of a discussion between the two of you. When you express your point of view you do so honestly and openly. Then you write what you think s/he would say in reply, honestly and openly giving yourself over to that viewpoint, not holding on to "your" perspective, but taking that of the other person. Go back and forth between the two of you for as long as you feel is necessary. Sometimes you will be done in a brief time, sometimes you might need to journal on and off over time. Often you will find that "s/he," as articulated by you, begins to express perspectives that are eminently reasonable. Slowly, doing this exercise, you may find your anger abating as you begin to understand that your disagreement was not one of intentional dispute or hostility, but simply of another way of seeing things. If you have an unresolved resentment, try it, seriously. Its healing power can be huge.

(For more reading on this topic, see recommended books below.)

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Introducing SHORT STEPS

Many of us tend to think in "all or nothing" ways. When we begin a new regime, we often try to change everything at once. When we fall off that regime, we tend to give up. A lapse from a diet often leads to "Oh, well, now I've messed it up I might as well keep on eating." If we wake up too late for our usual exercise routine, we tend to assume that we cannot get any exercise that day... which sometimes grows into that week. "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" is an old saying that implies that once you have made a small mistake, you will reap the consequences anyway so you might as well go ahead and make it a big mistake.

This new segment of Work in Progress is intended to introduce small steps that, while they in no way replace the larger changes that most of us would like to make in our lives, yet may keep moving us toward those changes in small, unintrusive ways.

Some may relative to physical health, others to efficiency hints. All will be brief and, I hope, will increase your effectiveness in one way or another.

The first is very literally a short step. It does not claim to replace the cardio exercise that most of us need (with doctor's approval) to maintain optimal health. However, it is a way of adding a bit of exercise that can both strengthen muscles and stir up the metabolism a bit... all without intruding on our busy schedules one bit!

It is simply to pick a time when you are waiting for a few moments... perhaps at the printer, perhaps at the microwave or the bathroom sink as you wait for the water to run warm. Instead of just standing there, waiting, take a step to the side. As you step to the right and take your weight on the right foot, bend the left knee and lift the left foot a little. Then step to the left and lift the right knee. Very simple. Just step back and forth, back and forth, while you wait. It takes only a few moments, but, unless you are quite fit, you will feel the effect. Not a lot, but a little. Consider all the times during the day when you can fit such a step into your life. I particularly like this one for folks who are no longer as young as they might wish because it strengthens the muscles at the sides of the legs and thighs, so decreasing the likelihood of loss of balance.

Consider how else you can add useful mini-activities to your "still" time, whether standing or sitting.

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RECOMMENDED READING

Make Peace With Anyone : Breakthrough Strategies to Quickly End Any Conflict, Feud, or Estrangement, by David J., Ph.D. Lieberman
"The ingredients of all conflicts are fear and perceived loss of respect, says Lieberman. When people and events don't respond as we planned, we fear a loss of control. We compensate and translate this fear--and the lowered sense of esteem it brings--into anger. Ergo, conflict resolution is accomplished by offering the injured party the ingredients for restoring self-regard and a sense of control.
Based on this recipe, Lieberman creates dozens of step-by-step scenarios for resolving conflicts of every shape, including family money feuds, contretemps with friends, personality clashes, passive-aggressive coworkers, and differences in values."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0312281544/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480

When Families Feud : Understanding and Resolving Family Conflicts, by Ira Heilveil
"When feuds don't get settled, resentment builds, tension mounts--and the family feels like a battleground instead of a haven. In this intelligent, compassionate guide, psychologist Ira Heilveil offers an intriguing new way to identify the patterns of family feuds and suggests specific steps for healing them."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0399524401/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480

Resolving Conflicts At Work : A Complete Guide for Everyone on the Job, by Joan Goldsmith, Kenneth Cloke
"Resolving Conflicts at Work is written for anyone working in an organization who has had no particular training in resolving conflicts but who nonetheless finds himself or herself confronting conflicts in daily work and needs to know how to deal with and resolve them. The book's program leads the reader through 8 paths that lead to effective conflict resolution, such as: listening to the heart of the conflict, embracing and acknowledging emotions, and learning from difficult behaviors."

To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0787950599/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
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Copyright 2002 Diana Robinson, Ph.D. Work in
Progress may be reproduced in its entirety only,
including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.
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