WORK IN PROGRESS
(Life, Me, You, This Newsletter)
Vol. VI, Issue 10, May 15, 2002 ><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>><<>>
In this issue:
---Wanting to change, yet unchanging
---Recommended reading
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WANTING TO CHANGE, YET UNCHANGING
Although it is difficult to imagine that anyone would resist a self-chosen change, in fact we in the coaching field often encounter people who have chosen and planned a change, and yet seem unable to make the necessary moves towards that change. Why can't they make the changes that they want to make? Often they are trying to reach the opposite shore while not leaving the safety of the river bank on which they started.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* I know that the analogy of the opposite bank which
* cannot be reached without letting go of the existing
* foothold sounds like a contradiction of the previous WIP
* in which I recommended not letting go of all footholds at
* once. However, in my representation, the footholds and
* handholds mentioned there represented various
* aspects in the network of life, such as relationships,
* home, community, location, career, etc. When I use the
* analogy of the opposite shore I am referring to just one
* of these specific aspects. An example: when I left a
* relatively safe and stable career to become a full time
* coach I definitely made a wild leap for the opposite
* shore, giving up the safely of the one on which I had
* been standing. On the other hand, I did not give up my
* friends, my home, etc. So from the career viewpoint, I
* made the leap from one river bank to another, but in my
* overall life I maintained several other stable hand- or
* footholds.
*
* It is true that we very occasionally decide to change just
* about everything all at once, letting go of ALL our hand-
* holds, and perhaps I will write about those "end-of-an-
* era" changes another time.
*
* Right now, however, the topic is the changes that we
* have chosen, that we want to make, and yet which we
* seem to be unable to make.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Perhaps the change involves a new routine - one that includes more exercise, more reading time, time for meditation. Perhaps it involves a career change, a new business venture, or even a new way of thinking. We may "know" that a old thought-pattern is not realistic, may even be self-sabotaging, yet the difference between knowing it and undoing it may constitute, for us, an almost un-leapable chasm.
What is going on when we want to make changes, there is no apparent reason why we cannot make changes, and yet those changes do not get made?
There can be many reasons, and in order to overcome then we obviously need to discover which one is interfering with our progress.
Perhaps the cause is to some extent external. Another person, or persons, may, either at a conscious or unconscious level, not want you to make these changes. Perhaps they are threatened at the idea of your changing and moving ahead of them, or at the idea that you can make needed changes when they don't feel able to. I have seen this occur particularly when one person in addiction decides to "get clean" and others, while outwardly cheering them on, actually erect subtle barriers, or increase the level of temptation by using in the presence of the person attempting to recover. Why? One reason may be because there is an implication that if A can do it, and B cannot, then A must be "better" or "stronger" than B. Another may be that misery loves company.
One sometimes reads of situations where one member of a couple decides to get fit, or to lose weight, and the other sabotages by refusing to cooperate in one way or another. Why? Perhaps at some level they don't want their partner to become more attractive... it could increase the competition!
In other cases, there is a comfortable status quo and those around you may not want "things" to change as they undoubtedly will if you undertake a path of major change or growth.
If you realize that people around you are not helpful to the changes that you want to make, what can you do? First, you do NOT need to become a victim, give up your plans, and spend the rest of your life bewailing the fact that you could have made the change if only it were not for Mary, or John, or whomever.
Perhaps you can let them know how very important this change is to you. Perhaps you can subtly reassure the person that you are not planning to grow away from them, and that this process does not constitute a threat to them. You may choose to discuss the sabotage problem with them, though they are very likely to deny any form of or intention to sabotage. Have you firmly yet gently explained what you need them to do that will help you? If not, perhaps they really don't know. Of course, if, after you have made it clear, they still avoid doing them, then that speaks for itself and you may need to develop other sources of support (perhaps a coach?).
Allied to this may be the fact that we don't want to alienate our friends, or our family, by choosing a path different from theirs. We may be afraid of losing them. The fact is that if this new path is to your benefit, if they are true friends they will not try to hold you back, and you will still be welcome among them. If they do not , then you can know that they did not really wish the best for you.
The reality is that we do not need to let anyone else override our priorities. If a new path is important enough to us we WILL follow it. But, if the opposition does not come from outside, we still need to conquer our own doubts, fears, and, perhaps, lack of self-discipline. Change is scary. When we resolve to create a new life, or at least a new path, we are giving ourselves a challenge. If we make a start, and do not succeed then we may feel that we have "failed." If we don't try, then we do not need to face that possibility. We can comfort ourselves with the thought that if we HAD tried, we would undoubtedly have succeeded.
This is similar to what psychologists call "self-handicapping." A perfect example is the college student who, faced with a major exam the next morning, goes out and parties half the night. The psychological cause, they say, is that this way if s/he fails the exam s/he can safely claim that it was because of the partying, not because s/he is not good enough, not smart enough, to pass. Similarly, some students simply choose not to study for an exam. If they fail, they can say that they were too busy to study, but that if they had studied, they would surely have passed. In both cases, of course, they have actually set themselves up to fail, almost ensuring that they will do so. But their self-image is safe.
When we choose not to go all-out to make a change in our lives we are often doing the same thing. By hedging our bets, by not really making the effort, we are ensuring that we will not succeed in making the change. But we are also ensuring that we are not faced with the possibility that we just don't have what it takes.
What it comes down to is, how much to you want to make the changes that you know are needed for your life to be the way you want it to be? Is it worth enough for you to take the risk? If it is, and you do not take it, perhaps you really don't think it is worth the effort.
Think again. Time is speeding by, faster and faster as we get older, so it seems. The day that you do not make your change is a day dedicated to the path you SAY you no longer choose to walk. How long will you continue to walk it? How long will the path of your dreams remain untrodden?
"The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all." -- Jawaharlal Nehru
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What's happening at ChoiceCoach.com
Great news, from my point of view! I have now been approved by the International Coach Federation as a Professional Certified Coach. The standards for this certification require very considerable experience, training, and demonstrated coaching ability, and I am very proud to use the PCC designation.
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RECOMMENDED READING
I wanted to find some books relating to personal risk-taking, but it seems that every title relating to risk deals with business risk-management, rather than with our ability to judge and take risks in our personal lives. When I substituted the word "chance" (as in "take a chance" I found one book that is not strictly relevant, but that still sounds interesting, since humans tend to perceive chance and probability in very unrealistic ways. Enjoy!
What Are the Chances : Voodoo Deaths, Office Gossip, and Other Adventures in Probability by Bart K. Holland
"Our lives are governed by chance. But what, exactly, is chance? In this book, accomplished statistician and storyteller Bart K. Holland takes us on a tour of the world of probability. Weaving together tales from real life--from the spread of the bubonic plague in medieval Europe or the number of Prussian cavalrymen kicked to death by their horses, through IQ test results and deaths by voodoo curse, to why you have to wait in line for rides at Disneyworld--Holland captures the reader's imagination with surprising examples of probability in action, everyday events that can profoundly affect our lives but are controlled by just one number."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0801869412/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
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Copyright 2002 Diana Robinson, Ph.D. Work in
Progress may be reproduced in its entirety only,
including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.
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