WORK IN PROGRESS
(Life, Me, You, This Newsletter) Vol. VI, Issue 15, September 15, 2002

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In this issue:
--- Communication - The Relationship Fix
--- New Coaching offerings:
------- "Turn to" coaching
------- Remedial coaching
------- Post-Training coaching
------- Post-Rehab coaching
--- Recommended reading

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COMMUNICATION - THE RELATIONSHIP FIX

Looking back over the people I have known over the years, both as friends, colleagues, and clients, I am acutely aware of the extent to which the quality of relationships depends on the quality of the communication between people. One great detriment to the quality of communication* is the way in which we often make assumptions about what people do, what they think, what they want, and what they know, without checking that our assumptions are in fact accurate.

(For the examples here I am going to use two names that could apply to either gender, Chris and Pat, with apologies to all folks of those names. I am doing this both partly because I don't want to point the finger of blame at either gender, and partly because I have seen the same issues clouding relationships between same-sex couples. I should also add that, although couple relationships probably suffer the most from communication problems, there is probably no form of relationship, in career, friendships, and among associates, that cannot benefit from enhanced communication skills.)

Perhaps most common problem is the "Chris ought to know..." scenario. One person steams with resentment because of a situation that the other person "ought" to know is a problem. Typically, in an attempt to be a "good sport" and to not upset anyone, Pat has never discussed with Chris whether there are other ways to do things. S/he just assumes that Chris knows how Pat feels about it and doesn't care. Chris, on the other hand, probably assumes that since Pat has never objected, there is no problem. Usually, if Pat will actually communicate IN CAREFULLY CHOSEN WORDS how the problem is affecting her/him, Chris is willing to work at it. Unfortunately, what more frequently happens is that Pat steams with silent resentment until there is an explosion, when the words that are used may not be at all carefully chosen, and may be extremely destructive.

Another scenario is the assumption of ill-intent, or of unfaithfulness, or of some form of wrong-doing. Perhaps Chris SUSPECTS that Pat is not doing right by the relationship in one way or another. However, instead of bring the concerns out into the open, s/he quietly sits on them. Perhaps s/he starts secretly gathering information, accumulating "evidence" that the hunch is correct. Eventually, enough evidence for permanent damage probably will accumulate, because the inevitable withdrawal from the relationship while evidence is being gathered will in itself cause damage even if there was no original reason for it outside of Chris' imagination. In other cases, Chris may just pretend that all is well and hope that whatever is happening will end, if it ever existed. The problem here is that s/he has judged Pat as guilty, and, by never bringing the suspicions into the open, may never give Pat a chance to explain the real situation. Opinions may differ as to whether this is a good policy to pursue, but my experience is that a mistaken belief, harbored in one's heart, may be as destructive in the long-term as if it had been true.

Then, at work, there is the individual who seems to work happily with a low profile, who gives no indication to a supervisor that s/he would like a promotion because s/he assumes it is obvious, and yet feels angry and over-looked when someone apparently less deserving is promoted. Ideally, of course, every supervisor has regular career-path discussions with his/her supervisees on an ongoing basis, so such a situation does not occur. However, we do know, don't we, that ideals are not always mirrored by reality. Despite all the good intentions of most organizations, not all supervisors provide employees with regular feedback, let alone seek to know their goals and aspirations. Lacking such opportunities, it is important that the employee let supervisors know that if they would like to be considered for greater responsibility, and to ask for feedback if they are not given it if someone else is promoted.

This is a huge topic, one that can only be skimmed in so short a newsletter. I strongly recommend any of the three books listed below if you feel that your situation, career or personal, could benefit from enhanced communication skills (and what situation could not?). The bottom line, however, is that, regardless of my belief in the existence of ESP, people either are not psychic or they do not use their psychic abilities in their everyday lives. If you do not tell them, they probably will not know. And acting out nonverbally is more than likely to lead to misunderstandings of an even more destructive nature. "The misunderstandings caused by angry non-verbal messages" could be the title of a very lengthy book!

Learn to say what is in your heart - it is well worth the effort, and the risk.

*In my opinion another communication problem that is devastating our society at the present time is the inability to communicate verbally when angry, so that instead of words being the first choice for dispute, fists, knives and bullets become more and more commonly used. This seems to be leading to a steadily increasing loss of life. In my community a 13 years old girl was killed this week, an innocent bystander to a fight between a relative and other adults. There seems to have been little or no attempt to deal with the issue in words - guns were the first communication choice.

This issue of lack of conflict resolution skills is increasingly damaging to quality of life in many cities, and yet, even where schools attempt to attend to it, conflict resolution programs are often among the first to be cut when there is a budget crunch. I have the feeling that I may return to this issue another time.

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What's happening at ChoiceCoach.com?
NEW coaching offerings!!!!

In addition to my ongoing Personal Effectiveness Coaching for individuals, and new coach mentoring, I am now offering four specific coaching services for employers: "Turn to" coaching, Remedial coaching, Post-Training Coaching, and Post-Rehab Coaching.

"Turn to" Coaching is tailored specifically for each individual, most often a small business owner, but also anyone at whose desk "the buck stops" and who at times needs to turn for feedback to someone who is not involved in the various competing business agendas.

Remedial Coaching is aimed at the employee who is not quite making it in terms of performance, and yet who the employer believes does have the potential to become a productive employee. Sometimes the direct supervisor is not the best positioned person for doing this work, and an outside coach may be a more efficient choice.

Post-Training Coaching focuses on optimizing the results of training that has been given elsewhere. The coach de-briefs immediately after the training, while new ideas, goals, and practices are foremost in the mind of the individual. Goals, changes and ideas coming from such training are often quickly submerged in day to day activities, so that they are forgotten, or "backburnered." Post-Training Coaching helps each person to keep those changes on the front burner so as to get the most "bang for the buck" from the training, for both employee and employer.

Post-Rehab Coaching is something for which I am perhaps uniquely qualified. It is an unfortunate fact that employers occasionally need to send an employee to addiction rehabilitation treatment. On the employee's return everyone "walks on egg-shells." The employee is often fragmented between work, treatment center, home (where there may be huge changes as a result of the treatment), and often 12-step groups as well. Having one person who understands all four quadrants can help the employee to deal with the stresses of a new look at life, and increase the likehood of him/her continuing with "the program," and so continuing to be a productive employee and citizen. I say that I am uniquely qualified for this work because I was a professional in the addictions treatment field for years, and still teach college courses on the topic.

If coaching in any of the above areas (or, of course Personal Effective Coaching) interests you, please contact me at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com so that we may arrange to talk more about it.

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RECOMMENDED READING

Messages: The Communication Skills Book
by Patrick Fanning (Contributor), Matthew, McKay, Martha Davis (Contributor)
One reviewer wrote: "This is a self-help book that cuts through all the big words and psychological concepts and gets immediately into helping you change. There is something for everybody here -- parents, teens, managers, and children. Their explanations of screwed up communication patterns are concise and their "solutions" are elegant. One of the few self-help books I have bothered to keep on my bookshelf"
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D1572240229/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480

Nonviolent Communication : A Language of Compassion
by Marshall B. Rosenberg
"Marshall Rosenberg is the mentor I wish we'd all had growing up. We learned to speak but not communicate and that has led to so much unnecessary personal and social misery. In this book you will find an amazingly effective language for saying what's on your mind and in your heart. Like so many essential and elegant systems, it's simple on the surface, challenging to use in the heat of the moment and powerful in its results. I use these tools every day and can totally vouch for them."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D1892005026/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt.
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D014028852X/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480 ><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>><<>>
Copyright 2002 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
Progress may be reproduced in its entirety only,
including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.
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