WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine
Vol. VII, Issue 4, February 15, 2002 ><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>><<>>
RIP Thomas J. Leonard
It is with sadness that I acknowledge the sudden death, on February 12, 2003, of Thomas J. Leonard, founder of Coach U, of Coachville, and one of the original figures behind the founding of the International Coach Federation.
Thomas was a brilliant, creative person who produced more ideas in an afternoon than many people produce in a lifetime. His life was dedicated to coaching. His tremendous energy and pioneering spirit brought our field to the attention of people around the world, people who might otherwise have continued to believe that a coach was needed only in the field of competitive athletics but who learned from him that it could improve their lives regardless of their interests or avocation.
It was a magazine article about Thomas that led me to become a coach, and one of my earliest memories of him is when he was teaching a tele-class in which I participated. He had gone to England to pioneer the field there, and had not calculated on the interminable time needed to get a new telephone installed in that country. So, since he was scheduled to teach the class, he taught it - from a pay-phone in Regents Street in London, undeterred by the traffic and the passers-by. As I commented to a colleague recently, that was "so Thomas."
He will be greatly missed, and the world will not be the same without him.
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Effective Relationships
However, effective we may be in the world, for most people success means little unless there are good relationships, unless there are close and supportive people with whom to share our (and their) successes.
One thing that coaches try very hard not to do is give advice. We know that our clients can find their own answers, and we hope that they will do so more quickly, effectively, and painlessly when they choose to work with a coach. Because I try not to give advice, I do not consider myself a relationship advisor. However, it is not unusual for me to receive e-mails from folks who are having relationship difficulties. My response is usually to ask them questions, pointing out that I do not need to know the answers, but that they do, and that they need to consider those answers carefully.
If you, or someone you know, are having relationship difficulties, here are some questions of the type that I might well ask you, were you to contact me. As I say, I am not a marriage counselor nor a relationship advisor, but such questions may help you to decide what your next step may be in improving your situation.
If YOU are unhappy in a relationship:
First comes the old "Ann Landers" question... would you be better off with this person, or without?
Can you be who you really are in this relationship? Or do you have to try to be someone else?
If you stay because you hope that things will get better, how long to you plan to keep hoping? Can you give yourself a firm deadline? (If you don't, you may stay in a state of unhappiness for the rest of your life.)
What is it that you want that you are not getting? Does your partner truly understand what it is that you want? An answer of "S/he must know by now" is not enough. Have you said it, neutrally and not yelling, and asked your partner to reflect it back to you so that you are sure s/he understands. Is your partner willing or unwilling to provide what you seek? Able or unable? Says s/he will but doesn't? Depending on what you are missing, is it possible to get what you seek from outside the relationship without it being damaging to the relationship? I'm thinking here of someone to talk with and offer support - which might be provided by friendships that do not imperil the relationship (but be careful here).
What is it that you ARE getting but that you may not even notice or appreciate?
(This question is because we are always more aware of the needs that are not being met, and are often unaware of the needs that are being met. I have known people leave a relationship based on specific needs not being met, without having any realization of the needs that WERE being met. This is particularly crucial when you are unhappy because you have met someone who seems to offer you things that your present partner cannot or does not. Before you make any major decisions, it is wise to consider not just what the new person can offer that your partner does not, but also what your partner offers that the new person cannot give you.)
If it is your partner is the one who is unhappy in a relationship, perhaps even threatening to leave, and you want the relationship to survive:
Do you know what are the changes that your partner wants to see in you?
Are they reasonable?
Are they changes that you are able to make?
Are they changes that you are willing to make?
If you make those changes, will that go against who you really are, or will they help you to grow as a person?
For how long has your partner been unhappy in your relationship?
Did s/he tell you she was unhappy?
How did you react? Did you understand what the problem was? Were you open to discussion?
Did s/he ask you to go to a counselor with him/her?
If so, what did you do/say? I have many times seen situations where the plea to go to a counselor was refused, so that partner A experienced this as B saying that s/he didn't care if A was unhappy, B was not going to make any changes. That A's happiness was not worth the effort of going to a counselor. Or that A was the only one who needed to go to a counselor because the problems lay with A, not with B. And then, all too often I'm afraid, it gets to the point where the A no longer wants it to work. S/he is worn down, and the love has died. And when that happens, all the forgiveness letters and loving tokens and promises of change in the world probably cannot resurrect what no longer exists.
If you hope that all will be well if you just apologize and ask for forgiveness:
Do you know what it is you are asking forgiveness for?
Have you used physical abuse?
Have you used sex as a weapon, either forcing it or refusing as punishment?
Have you demeaned him/her by behaving as though his/her opinion or job or feelings were unimportant?
Do you drink heavily or use drugs and as a result behave in ways that you would not normally?
Do you understand that asking for forgiveness, if it is sincere, includes a commitment not to repeat the behavior? Can you make that commitment?
And lastly, would you be willing to stay in a relationship where someone treated you as you treat the other person?
If you can honestly answer whichever of these questions may apply to you, and share them with your partner, you may be on the path toward becoming clear as to how you can either mend the problems, or find an alternative solution.
If you can't, then I urge you to take a look at the books below, and/or to seek the help of a professional counselor. If that doesn't work and there is no way to save the relationship, I urge you to seek a professional mediator to help you draw up an agreement that is fair to both parties. Going to a mediator first may head off many of the problems that can arise once litigation has begun.
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RECOMMENDED READING
Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner by Phillip C. McGraw
"This book deserves many more than five stars. It is as close as you can get to having a hands-on guide to improving your relationships as you can get without having a trained counselor present.
It's too bad that most people will take on this book because they have a bad or failing relationship. It would be much better to start with this approach in the beginning. I hope marriage advisors, parents, living together couples, and engaged people will become familiar with this book and recommend it to others."
Also available in audio cassette, audio CD, and e-book
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0786866314/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
The Relationship Rescue Workbook
by Phillip C. McGraw
"Don't expect to approach this workbook as if you were whizzing through a magazine quiz. Like the relationship that you are trying to revive, this workbook presents a big commitment. (There's no timeline suggested, but judging from the amount of work involved, common sense says to give it at least a month.) McGraw also urges readers to use this workbook in tandem with Relationship Rescue, even though there are similar exercises in both books. The hardcover book is geared toward helping readers identify "what's wrong and begin the process of restoration," he explains. The workbook helps readers begin the self-scrutinizing work that leads to change."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0786886048/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
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TELL A FRIEND
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For more information about personal coaching, and your opportunity for a personal half-hour sample coaching call with me, visit my web site www.ChoiceCoach.com or contact me at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com."
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Copyright 2003 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
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including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.