WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine
Vol. VII, Issue 11, Mid June, 2003 ><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>><<>>
Insoluble Dilemmas
Sometimes it feels as though we are stuck in an unbearable situation from which there is no escape, no relief, and to which there is no solution. The fact is that this situation will not last forever - no situation does. It will end eventually. However, in the meantime there may be some things that we can do to speed that ending, and, if not, to at least make it more endurable.
Let us consider:
Is there something to learn here? Is this predicament the result, even if indirectly, or something that we did or said, that might have backfired? If so, are there amends to make, forgiveness to seek, resolutions to make?
Even if there was no untoward behavior on our part, this does not mean that someone else is to blame. Sometimes, bad things do indeed just happen, through no deliberate act of anyone. Each person may be acting according to their own conscience, believing that s/he is doing what is right for everyone, and yet someone, most likely you if you are finding this relevant, gets hurt... or at very least feels hurt. (There is a difference.) If you are blaming someone, pause to do some dialog journaling, writing a "script" of an imagined discussion between that person and yourself, presenting the point of view of each of you in turn. You may be surprised to discover that you do see the other point of view after all. It might even be reasonable!
Have you let people know, calmly and logically, how you feel about the situation? Or are you assuming that they "should know"? Why should they know? Are you assuming that they are so perfectly attuned to you that they know your thoughts and feelings and how things appear to you? Why would you assume that? If you have not told them, how can you put into calm, non-inflammatory words, how the situation feels to you?
Are you avoiding dealing directly with the situation by triangulating? Triangulating is something that we do when trying to avoid direct confrontation. It happens a lot in both families and jobs. It involves A, who has a problem with something B has done, avoiding discussing the issue directly with B but instead talking with C in hopes that C will somehow fix the problem. The best thing that C can do in this circumstance is suggest that A should talk directly with B, and if necessary offer, perhaps, to be an impartial mediator with BOTH A and B in the room together. C should always remember that s/he has only A's point of view on this. A should always remember that perhaps C, too, does not like confrontation. It can happen that what C says to A about the situation is not the same, nor does it carry the same message, as what C says to B. This can actually inflame, rather than resolve, the situation.
Are you thinking that if someone else would just change, then everything would be okay and the problem would be solved? Just a reminder - there is only one person you can change, and that is yourself.
For some people it helps to pray - not just for yourself, but also for the others involved in the situation - even those that you may at this moment consider to be your enemies.
Is it possible that you are going through a fire that will strengthen you, just as a furnace tempers steel? Sometimes life does this to us. At the time we may feel terrible, but later, on looking back, we may realize that the ordeal actually changed us, strengthened us, equipped us to deal far more effectively with future life situations. Perhaps we learned from it. Perhaps we changed ourselves because of it. Perhaps we learned an empathy for others in similar situations that we had never had before. What can you learn?
I have found that most often, once one has addressed these questions and made changes if necessary, the situation itself either changes, or ends, or a door opens that enables you to leave it. Once the lesson is learned, the classroom is no longer needed.
The universe has its own strange ways of teaching us what we need to learn. We are well advised to look at every situation as a potential learning experience. If we learn when we are merely tickled with a blade of grass (metaphorically speaking, of course), we will not later need to be presented with the same lesson accompanied by a cane, or a 4" x 4", or a truck or a train barreling down upon us.
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Some relevant quotes:
"Sometimes you get more creativity when you're in a box than when you can do anything. In really difficult situations, sometimes you get the most interesting thinking." Jim Mullen, CEO, Biogen, in FAST COMPANY magazine
"Conquer yourself. Till you have done this, you are but a slave; for it is almost as well to be subjected to another's appetite as to your own." Richard E. Burton
"One must not always think so much about what one should do, but rather what one should be. Our works do not ennoble us; but we must ennoble our works." Meister Eckhart, "Work and Being."
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And now, one of the Top Ten lists that I from time to time have written for Coach U and for Coachville.
The Top 10 Things to Do when You feel You are are Caught in a Vicious, Inescapable Cycle
Sometimes when we are in a situation and can see no way out, we panic. We beat back and forth in our minds, so busy bumping into trees that we cannot see the paths through and out of the forest.
1. Sit back, breath deeply, and try to still your mind. Don't be like a butterfly that breaks its wings frantically beating
against a window so that when it does get free it can't fly.
2. Visualize your situation as a magician's "Chinese ring." It looks solid, but you know there is a "break" somewhere. Your strategy is to find it.
3. Put the situation on paper, diagramming how each unit leads to another to another and back to the start - except that there does not SEEM to be a start or an end. Remember to include yourself as a unit if your behavior/attitude could lead to changes in the
situation.
4. Consider each unit in turn. Is it the weak link? What are the pros and cons of breaking out of your situation through THAT point? Write them down for EACH unit, even the ones you believe could not be your exit point.
5. Consider each unit as a separate entity. How important is it? What are the consequences of changing it? What would it FEEL like to change it? (The feelings are important information.)
6. Discuss the possibilities, particularly whatever action seems most likely at this point, with someone you trust, preferably someone who is in a position to know about the ins and outs of your situation but does not have any vested interest. (A coach would be ideal.)
7. Study the diagram and your notes, thoughts and feelings again, then put the problem aside for at least 24 hours. Leave it alone to simmer in your mind.
8. Often there will be an "aha!" at this point and the decision is made. If not, decide, based on the foregoing, which unit is the weakest link, and what step will take you out of the situation most advantageously.
9. Take the step.
10. Feel the relief, and CELEBRATE!
Links to almost all of my Top Ten lists can be found at the Top Tens page of my web site at www.ChoiceCoach.com.
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RECOMMENDED READING
Schopenhauer's Porcupines: Intimacy and Its Dilemmas by Deborah Anna Luepnitz
"An amazing and very human book, detailing with wisdom and sharp wit our struggle to balance desire for intimacy with an ongoing need for autonomy, even--perhaps especially!--in our most cherished relationships. Deborah Luepnitz has a graceful, witty style, and her book is chock full of insights, without being in the least bit overbearing or patronizing. The book doesn't try to be a panacea for all relationships; instead, it reveals common traits that often spoil and undermine them."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0465042872/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Michael Levoy
"Drawing on the hard-won wisdom and powerful stories of people who have followed their own calls, Gregg Levoy shows us the many ways to translate a calling into action. In a style that is poetic, exuberant, and keenly insightful, he presents an illuminating and ultimately practical inquiry into how we listen and respond to our calls, whether at work or at home, in our relationships or in service. Callings is a compassionate guide to discovering your own callings and negotiating the tight passages to personal power and authenticity."
To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0609803700/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480
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TELL A FRIEND
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Copyright 2003 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
Progress may be reproduced in its entirety only,
including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.