WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine
Vol. VII, Issue 12, Early July, 2003 ><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>><<>>
Expectations can Backfire
For some reason, expectations have been the topic of several conversations lately, with coaching clients, with friends, and in other situations. Parents have expectations of their children. Partners have expectation of their partners. Colleagues have expectations of colleagues.
It's interesting that when we have expectations of others, they feel as if we are in some way controlling them. Yet, in fact, we are allowing them to control us. How? Because if we expect something of someone, that expectation is usually tied in with how we feel. If our expectations are met, then we will feel happy, or comfortable, or in some other way positive. If our expectations are not met, then we feel disappointed, or hurt, or angry, or, perhaps most commonly, resentful. Yet the extent to which our expectations are met is completely out of our control. It is all up to the other person.
In other words, having expectations about other people's behavior actually gives them control over how we feel.
I am not talking here of the expectations that we hold by agreement. When we are hired for a job we agree, either in a formal agreement or tacitly, that we will do certain things so as to meet the requirements of our job description (even the ubiquitous "other duties as required"). Our employer then has a right to the expectation that we will do those things. When we discuss our expectations of a partner, and the partner agrees, then there is agreement. There is nothing wrong with that.
Where the problem arises is when we have expectations that are hidden. We may believe that they are obvious. Of course if we are nice to someone, and reliable, and giving, then they are supposed to be nice, and reliable, and giving back. Right? But was there ever an agreement about that? Or do we just assume that this is a reasonable expectation? Are we setting someone else up to disappoint us just because their view of life is different from ours?
Who says that other people are required to meet our standards when they don't even know what those standards are?
I remember a couple who married, blithely unaware that, whereas in his family it was the woman's job to polish the family shoes and clean the windows, in her family it was the man's job to do those two chores! How often do you think that shoes got polished, or windows cleaned, in that family!! He had never agreed he was going to do them - but she had taken it for granted that he would. She had never agreed to do them - but he had taken it for granted that she would. Even in such relatively trivial examples, mutually unspoken and conflicting expectations lead to problems!
When we set up an expectation of someone, we then proceed to make a judgment - they either succeed or fail to meet that expectation.
When we get judgmental we use our standards and impose them on others regardless of the fact that their standards, their circumstances and history, and their expectations, may be very different from ours. Judgment doesn't just set us up for disappointment, it also often leads to our distancing yourself from others, or to them distancing themselves from us. Then we wonder why we are lonely.
Expectations and judgments attempt to deny other people the joy of free choice. When we have an expectation, or make a judgment, we are deciding what they SHOULD do, how they SHOULD choose. We may perceive that what we have in mind is in their best interests. It may not even occur to us that any alternative could be in any way acceptable. But that may be because we have not walked in the other person's moccasins, as the saying goes. We were not raised as they were raised, we do not have the same world view that they have. Therefore, we have no right to impose our standards.
This is not to say that we should not set up standards and boundaries to protect ourselves and maintain our values. Of course we must. The issue is that we not allow ourselves to be disappointed, angry, disgusted, whatever when someone attempts to violate those standards. That is what gives others control over us. Far better that we simply step back, refuse to cooperate, enable, or condone, and set up a non-judgmental distance between that person's behavior and our own being. What is important is that our emotional well-being not be tied to whether or not others doe what we expect, and that we not be punitive to them.
Should we, then, do away with all expectations? Obviously not. The difference lies between those that are made clear and those that are unspoken. Should parents have expectations of their children? As to behavior, some clearly explained behavioral boundaries are obviously reasonable, as is a refusal to constantly rescue child from the consequences of its behavior once it is old enough to understand those consequences. As to what they may become, and who they will be as adults, not at all. Let them be who they will be. Let not your feelings of self-worth, or your love for them, be dependent on their choices.
Should we have expectations of our friends, our colleagues, our partners? Again, yes, that they meet the norms of our society - which is where the tricky part comes in when different folks have different norms. When there is a one-up/one-down aspect to the relationship - boss/employee, parent/child - then there are often reasons why the both individuals should have expectations. Yet those expectations must be clearly elucidated so that both can understand them, and can buy into them, or negotiate, or discuss. If one person, usually the one-up, allows no room for negotiation or discussion, disappointment can be expected, for without input the one-down person will have no ownership and will not "buy in" to the deal. Do not be surprised if the individual puts distance between the two of you at the first opportunity.
In summary, where expectations of others are concerned:
a. The less you have them, the better.
b. If you have them, be sure that others know and understand what they are.
c. Most importantly, do not allow your emotional state to be tied to those expectations. To do so gives control of your well-being into the hands of those over whom you have little or no control.
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Some relevant quotes:
"A great source of stress in personal and professional relationships is the mismatch of standards you aren't aware of when you make the initial agreements. Unfortunately you usually only recognize your own implicit expectations of appropriate behavior when they are violated." David Allen in David Allen's Productivity Principles
"Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy--the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation." Eric Hoffer
"A low self-love in the parent desires that his child should repeat his character and fortune; an expectation which the child, if justice is done him, will nobly disappoint. By working on the theory that this resemblance exists, we shall do what in us lies to defeat his proper promise and produce the ordinary and mediocre. I suffer whenever I see that common sight of a parent or senior imposing his opinion and way of thinking and being on a young soul to which they are totally unfit. Cannot we let people be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another man you. One's enough." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine." Fritz Perls
"Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits." William Shakespeare
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A survey
A good friend of mine, Yvonne Divita, owner of Windsor Enterprises, is conducting a survey. She seeks women who will answer some questions about their use - or not - of the internet, particularly for shopping. She assures me (and I trust her on this) that the survey is confidential and that the names and addresses of participants will not be shared, sold, or otherwise passed on. Here is what she says:
"I'm a writer working on a book on how to market successfully to women who shop online. I am trying to compile information on how women actually shop online, to be used in conjunction with the rest of my research. If you can help by filling out a survey and sending it back, I would be so grateful. Even if you don't shop online, it will help. I also need to know what prevents some women from using the Internet to shop.
Also, please feel free to share this with any other women you know that would be willing to participate. The more replies I get, the more research I have to refer to. Thank you again."
If you are willing to participate - and I hope that you will, please contact Yvonne directly at divita@windsorenterprises.com and let her know that you heard about her survey via Work in Progress. She will send you the survey directly. She is particularly, but not solely, interested in the internet shopping habits of women in the US.
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TELL A FRIEND
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Copyright 2002 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
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including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.