WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine Vol. VII, Issue 13, Mid-July, 2003

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In this issue:
~~Communication - Getting Ahead of Oneself... and Others
~~Relevant quotes
~~Recommended reading
~~Upcoming changes

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Communication - Getting Ahead of Oneself... and Others

One of my regular correspondents writes:
"I need to feel better about my way of communicating
with people. I tend to be ahead of the conversation rather than be with it & consequently voice things prematurely."

This is a common problem with communication, though you, my correspondent, clearly have a greater awareness of the issue than many.

Let's start by looking at the other side of this rather typical situation. How does it feel to talk with someone, carefully explaining the issue that you perceive as being under discussion, choosing your words and presenting the clearest picture possible, only to have someone else start to speak as soon as you draw breath and almost instantly make it clear that they did not hear you through to the end? So often it becomes evident almost immediately that they heard your first couple of sentences, and that the rest of what you said went unheard because they were busy developing their own line of rhetoric, one that is often completely unrelated to what you said after those first few sentences.

If there is a group of people together, it may well be that someone else will pick up on what speaker #2 said, and the conversation continues from there. You, speaker #1, stand there feeling as though you might as well not have bothered to say anything. You feel unheard, probably frustrated, and hurt.

Now, back to my correspondent's issue. Do you WANT to make someone feel like that when you are the second speaker? Probably not. Nor do you want to end up feeling foolish yourself because, after you make your comments, having not really listened to all that the first speaker said, you are rewarded by a cold,

"That was NOT what I said. Weren't you listening?"

No, perhaps you weren't, the result being that you "voice things prematurely" as my correspondent puts it. Sometimes this can lead to public humiliation as it becomes evident to all present that we have completely missed the point of what was being said.

How can we avoid doing this? How can we focus on what is being said, without becoming caught up in what we want to say in response. How can we keep listening instead of turning our focus to what we will say, how we will say it, and how urgently we want to speak?

As an aside, it is true, there are some speakers who may make us so impatient that it is difficult not to get ahead of them. There are those who ramble on and on, who start with the fine print and spend so long in setting the scene that by the time they get to the point their listeners are confused as to where the speaker is headed and which details are relevant. If we feel that people often cut us off or do not hear us out, we may want to check as to whether we are presenting whatever we have to say as clearly and concisely as possible. I find that the Table Topics section of most Toastmasters' meetings is very helpful in this respect, for one is expected to say what one has to say extemporaneously but also concisely, within a limit of two minutes. (Incidentally, I strongly recommend Toastmasters International for anyone with communications or public speaking concerns - check out www.Toastmasters.org and click on the find a club to locate clubs near you. TI is world-wide, though I notice that they do not yet appear to have a club in Antarctica.)

However, as I ramble off-course let us return to my correspondent's original concern. She is very certainly not alone. The issue is really "How can I become a better listener?" We need to step back from the competitive attitude that seeks to top what is being said, or to show how much we know about the topic, or to demonstrate that we understand. If we don't listen we CANNOT understand! We need to focus on discovering what is the information that the speaker is trying to convey? Why is s/he trying to convey it? What does the individual need from us WHEN (and not before) s/he finishes speaking?

Suggestion. When you find yourself impatiently waiting for the individual to draw breath so that you have an opportunity to speak, catch yourself. Mentally step back. Take a deep breath yourself. Try to move to a place in your mind where competition is not important, and where the focus is on the speaker, not on you. You have no need to manipulate to get the focus on you. (If you ARE actually trying to get the spotlight onto you, of course, then this raises a very different topic - let me know if that is a topic to cover here some other time. Why do you need the spotlight?)

Now, with yourself out of the picture and the spotlight on the speaker, listen. REALLY listen. Move your awareness to what is going on there.

Listening means taking the time to hear not only what the speaker says, but what the speaker does not say. "Listening between the lines" I call it. Where are the pauses, the hesitations? When are words started and then changed, and why? How does the volume and tone change with certain words or phrases? When does the individual suddenly come alive? When is the voice suddenly the voice of a young child, un-empowered or afraid? What suddenly sounds like anger - and where did that come from?

Is the speaker talking to tell you something, or to ask for something? Is there a need to vent about a situation, or to seek for solutions? (And understand that to offer solutions when the speaker is actually seeking to vent is NOT helpful, and will garner you no appreciation. This is a frequent bone of contention among couples.)

This type of focused listening is not appropriate in every situation. However, more often than not it helps us to learn far more than we would have gained by putting our energy into thinking about our own stuff and the contribution we are about to make if only the present speaker would just stop!

There are situations when this is difficult. When you are in a group of people, every one of whom is eager to contribute to the discussion, you may find it impossible to get a word in edgeways unless you jump in. If you don't, you may not only fail to present your viewpoint, but you may leave feeling put-down and unheard. If that happens, take a look at what is happening. Are you a shrinking violet among a group of assertive thistles? Is the problem yours, for holding back, or are you surrounded by people who are interested only in the sounds of their own voices? is it that your input is not valued? What's going on there? I suspect that you, too, have valuable input to offer. How come it is not heard? Perhaps self-presentation, too, is an issue for another time.

I find it a sad reflection of our hurried times that, in seeking books to recommend on this topic, I could find only one that seemed relevant. Most of the others addressed either spiritual listening - which is important but not relevant to this particular topic - or to foreign language-learning.

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Some listening-relevant quotes:

Listen not merely to what is said but to the tone of voice in which it is said. - Chinese proverb.

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears--by listening to them. - Dean Rusk

Listening to learn isn't about giving advice--at least not until asked--but about trying to understand exactly what someone means, how it is that someone looks at and feels about her particular situation.... Listening to learn from a daughter in adolescence, conspiring with her thoughts and feelings, keeps a mother in touch with a daughter's growing and changing self. - Elizabeth Debold.

Learning is a result of listening, which in turn leads to even better listening and attentiveness to the other person. In other words, to learn from the child, we must have empathy, and empathy grows as we learn. - Alice Miller

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Recommended reading:

Listening: The Forgotten Skill : A Self-Teaching Guide by Madelyn Burley-Allen.

"A proven program for turning effective listening into a powerful business tool Managers and other employees spend more than 40 percent of their time listening to other people but often do it so poorly that the result is misunderstood instructions, misdirected projects, and erroneous actions--millions of dollars' worth of mistakes just because most people don't know how to listen. In this new edition of her classic guide to the art of effective listening, Madelyn Burley-Allen shows you how to acquire active, productive listening skills and put them to work for you--professionally, socially, and personally."

To learn more and/or order, click on
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0471015873/personalandcareeA/002-8534146-380480

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Oncoming changes

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Please let me know. You can always reach me at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com.

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