WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine Vol. VIII, Issue 3, April, 2004

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Dealing with our roadblocks

Recently someone wrote to ask me about a situation in which she perceived that there were roadblocks in her way, things that were preventing her from reaching her current goals. Because she is a well-read and philosophical person, she was wondering to what extent she was building her own roadblocks, and why she might be doing that.

The following is an extension of the answer I originally sent her.

As to your question about roadblocks... don't necessarily assume that you are throwing roadblocks in your own path, although it is possible.

Off the top of my head I can see four reasons, using "reasons" in a fairly cosmic sense, for why we encounter roadblocks.

The first, the one that my correspondent probably had in mind, is the self-defeating "fear of success" type of reason. We have a goal that we have developed in our heads, or our hearts, and yet there is some part of ourselves that is not on-board with the goal. Perhaps it is that our self-concept, or script, or schema (depending on which psychological model you use) says that we are not the kind of person who will ever become successful, attain an advanced degree, find and bond with the love of our lives, or whatever the goal may be. Something from way back in the formation of our world view, and our self-view, told us that we were not that kind of person. Perhaps we don't "deserve" it. Perhaps we think we are not clever enough. Perhaps we think it doesn't happen to the kind of person that we are, but only to those other people, the ones where the grass is greener. All of these are false beliefs that can hold us back.

If these beliefs are really deep, and/or the result of trauma, we may need a therapist, depending upon their source. Or perhaps for less serious issues a coach who will work with us on our strengths, instead of focusing, as perhaps our family did, on our weaknesses. It may be that some solid work on self-development with books and tapes can be successful - although I often get e-mails from people saying that they have used these on their own for years and yet have been unable to bring about the changes that they seek. It is not enough to get the information into our heads - we have to be able to bring it into our hearts and our "gut" if we are to change self-defeating scripts.

Another reason for a roadblock is sometimes just that other things have to happen before the goal can be achieved.

As I write this a bunch of people on one e-mail list are eagerly watching, via webcam, the Rochester peregrine falcons brooding five eggs that were recently laid in their nest in the tower of the Kodak corporate building (www.kodak.com/go/birdcam). Based on experience from past years, it is likely that, long before the eggs hatch, some people will be expressing impatience at how long we have to wait until hatching and how boring it is to watch the parents sitting on the eggs and doing nothing. We know (and so they do they if they would just stop and think) that nature cannot be hurried. Things need to happen unseen and sometimes without our knowledge (in this case, inside the eggs) before the result can hatch or blossom. The conversion of caterpillar to butterfly illustrates the same principle. From the outside it looks as if the chrysalis is just sitting there doing nothing, despite the fact that radical transformation is occurring at levels that we cannot see. We cannot know all that the Universe knows. Perhaps what appears to be a roadblock is simply something that is forcing us to wait until other things, unseen to us, have happened.

Or perhaps there are lessons to be learned in the current situation, and the Universe will not allow us to free ourselves from that situation until we have learned the lesson - at which time the situation itself will probably dissolve relatively painlessly. One approach to take to this is to observe where and how the situation as it is now bothers you. Is there a particular person involved? What about that person bothers you? In what way does that trait, or behavior, occur in you, or may have occurred in your or someone close to you in the past? Is that something that needs work on your part? Is there a strength that is less developed than you would like, which can be exercised, and so grown, in the present situation? Are there things that you need to learn, and which you are in a position to learn right now, that will make you more effective later?

Unfortunately the fourth reason is the flip side of the "what do I need to learn in this situation" reason. Sometimes the lesson we need to learn is to have the courage, or the self-confidence, to remove ourselves from the situation regardless of the fact that no one seems to be helping us by providing a door into a convenient alternative. When this is the case, just asking "what am I meant to learn from this situation" can lead to our staying in a situation, patiently (or not!) awaiting the arrival of the expected "lesson" when in fact the lesson intended to be learned is that one can exist outside of the situation. Perhaps we need to develop the courage to strike out across the water to the other bank, even though we fear to let go of the bank on which we sit. Perhaps we need to develop the self-confidence to say "I can!" even though others are trying to convince us that we cannot leave one situation until we know what situation we will be entering as a result. Sometimes we just have to learn to risk, to take the leap into the unknown, trusting the universe and ourselves.

Which of these explanations is right for your roadblock? Only you can decide. Perhaps there are yet more reasons that I have not mentioned here. Whatever the reason, if your present situation is unbearable, then I urge you to find ways to make it bearable - either by finding a way to change or by changing the way you think about it or, if you must, by leaving it..

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Thoughts on coaching...

Just a reminder that a free half-hour coaching call is available to all my readers. There is no obligation, no sales pitch, and the only cost to you is the cost of the phone call to the US east coast area. If you'd like to schedule a call, either e-mail me directly at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com or visit my web site (http://ChoiceCoach.com) and sign in at the Guest Book page.

Some recent quotes from clients:

"My requests to you as My Coach: and thirdly recognize how much your unflagging patience and integrity are contributing to [my] endeavor"

"Well, as usual a lot of dots got connected after our session.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou."

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