WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine October 2004

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What do you really need?

An unmet need is like an itch aching to be scratched. A need fulfilled becomes invisible and unnoticed.

Yet take care to never forget that the need fulfilled is still there, and that the fact that it is being met today does not mean that it cannot resurface, demanding and crazy-making, should circumstances change. I am referring less to the over-arching physical needs for food, water and shelter than to the less obvious emotional needs that we do all have, whether we like to admit it or not.

This weekend I headed out, away from home, for the wedding of a dear one. Before, during, and after the ceremony I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the area where the ceremony took place. I could understand so well the power of the pull to move there that has led so many people to move to the West Coast. Oh to be constantly surrounded by such breathtaking beauty, beauty seen at every turn of every winding hillside road. It was magnificent.

Even as I admired, even as my heart yearned to live in such surroundings, though, there was another discussion going on in my mind. I thought back to the gentler, less overwhelming but nonetheless appreciated vistas of my own community. I thought of the many reasons I choose to live there, and I remembered the "rule of needs" with which I began this piece: "An unmet need is like an itch, aching to be scratched. A need fulfilled becomes invisible and unnoticed."

In other words, were I to move so as to meet my emotional need for beautiful surroundings, how many other needs would I leave unfulfilled?

If we forget this rule we endanger the stability of our lives. I've written before of the hypothetical individual who has a pleasantly satisfied life, and a good relationship, with needs A, B, D and F so completely fulfilled that s/he ceases to be aware of them. What, though of needs C and E? Yes, they move to center stage of the individual's awareness, begging and itching and demanding to be fulfilled. They claim that if only THEY could be met, life could and would be perfect.

What happens if some situation presents itself with the offer of fulfillment of C and E? If the individual has not managed to remain aware of needs A, B, D and F and their fulfillment there is a high likelihood that the change will be made just because of the demands of needs C and E and without thought for the others. As a result, C and E will be fulfilled - perhaps by a new situation, location, or job but most often by a new personal relationship.

What, however, of A, B, D and F? If the individual gave no thought to them and to whether they would also be fulfilled in the new situation, then perhaps they will not be. Result - very possibly a less satisfying life where one set of discontents has simply been exchanged for another, possibly even more pressing set.

I am not advocating for everlasting and unquestioning maintenance of the status quo. Of course we need to make changes in our lives when the opportunity comes to ethically improve the quality of our lives. However, we do need to give careful thought to the pros and cons of both situations - the one we may leave, and the one we to which we may change.

What, then, can we do to keep ourselves aware of what needs we have that are fulfilled - and hence invisible - even while we seek to fulfill those that are not yet met?

Here are a couple of suggestions: first, an ongoing gratitude journal or list, and, second, a change in the way we think about needs.

The gratitude list is easy. Either in a journal, if we use one, or in a notebook dedicated to the purpose, we note, every day, at least five things for which we are grateful. Why write them down? Why not just think them as, through the course of the day, we notice them and, if we are so inclined, give thanks for them? Certainly the ongoing awareness and thanksgiving are deeply important to our quality of life. If we do that we are more likely to remain positive and aware of our blessing throughout the day. However, by listing them we have a better chance of expanding our repertoire so that the list does not become a repetition of the same things day after day. A list prompts us to think back over our day looking for something new to write, and so our gratitude horizon expands as we find more and more joys in our lives - even where we had originally thought there were few or none.

What might a newcomer to gratitude lists write? My advice is to start with the basics and expand your horizons over time. The "three f's" - family, friends, and food - are a good place to begin.

Why gratitude? It attunes us to the positives. We start looking for the good stuff in our lives, which is a radical revolution for those who have previously tended to focus on the ills and irritations of each day. As one coaching client told me after I had suggested that she start a gratitude list, "I leave for work every day thinking about what I can include on my list, so I'm looking for good things all the time - and I'm finding them! It has changed the way I experience every day!"

Also, in the context of this article, when we keep ourselves aware of the good things in our lives we are more likely to also be aware of the needs that those things fill - whether they be beauty or friendship, respect or peace, or any of the many other mental and emotional states that we may need if we are to feel content in our lives.

As for our thoughts about needs, we first have to accept that we all have needs, and that to have needs does not mean that we are "needy." Having needs is normal, not a sign of weakness. Being "needy" carries with it negative connotations, at least in most Western societies, and so the idea of dealing with needs is often avoided. However, it is a fact that we all have needs. What usually makes us appear "needy" is not knowing what our needs are and yet being driven by them, unknowingly, in our behavior. When we do not know what is driving or directing our behavior, we are not in a position to moderate that behavior, hence the behavior that may not present us to the world as we would choose to be perceived.

The goal in dealing with our needs, then, is first to identify them and then to develop a plan to get them met in ways that are appropriate. (For my coaching clients who are working in this area I usually use a Coach U designed "Need-less" program that many people find very helpful.)

With an awareness of our needs, and of what needs are already fulfilled by the good things in our lives, we make ourselves less likely to jump from frying pan to fire, and more likely to make changes that will, when made, result in deeper and more joyous contentment.

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TELL A FRIEND

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Copyright 2004 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. . Work in
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including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.