WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine January/February 2006

Again with apologies for the previous formatting problem, for which there seems to be no explanation. Gremlins, I guess.

Trying again, and hoping that this edition will come through as it was originally formatted.

Diana

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Relationships - danger signal!

"If you loved me you'd..." If ever there was a coercive start to a
statement, this is it. It may be followed by many different endings,
but almost all of them indicate that the person wants you to change or to do something to suit his or her desires, and that this is more
important than for you to be the person you are.

It is manipulative from the beginning. It is a sentence designed to
throw the hearer off balance so that something has to be proved. It
implies that what the individual is doing proves a lack of love for
the speaker.

Certainly there are times when a relationship requires straight talk,
and if the speaker is being negatively affected by a partner's
behavior, then there does need to be a conversation. Both need to
understand how their behavior is impacting the other. Perhaps the
hearer is indeed being selfish, or unheeding of the impact that
behavior is having on the other, or on the relationship. Perhaps the
intention is to bring about a perfectly reasonable outcome. "If you
loved me you wouldn't spend so much on...[insert extravagance of
choice]" may involve a reasonable intention. Perhaps the budget is
tight and spending needs to be reduced. But a request to that end,
without the "If you loved me" at the beginning, would be a far more
reasonable way to word it.

To begin a request with "If you loved me you'd..." is to muddy the
waters and indicate an intention to coerce, not to clarify. It implies that if the hearer does not do whatever is being asked then s/he is saying that s/he does not love the person, and, by implication, that the relationship is unimportant. In fact it is quite possible that none of this is true, but that the behavior is not in any way harmful to the relationship except that it does not allow the speaker to have his/her own way.

Newsflash!!! Successful relationships involve compromise on both
sides!

Unfortunately, the offending phrase is more often a manipulator's way
of guilt-tripping the other person into not doing something that may
well be best for that person. In many cases the request is a conscious or unconscious attempt to invade boundaries, or to get someone to lower their standards, to do something that is not congruent with their values. The speaker is trying to use the relationship as leverage that will persuade the hearer to do something that would normally not be considered.

"If you loved me...
"... you'd stay here and not go away to college."
"... not go to meetings so often."
"... go to bed with me."
"... stop taking that class."
"... let me spend your money on...."

If you hear this phrase in your relationship, is it an indication
that the person does not want the best for you, and puts his or her
needs ahead of your personal well-being and your dreams and
aspirations? Does this bode well for a future together? Do you imagine that if you conform to what the person wants s/he will then feel a need to reciprocate and to do what you want in return? Do you have an agreement on that or is it just an expectation on your part? Can you ask the person to rephrase the request without the offending first four words? If you can't make this simple request without angering your partner then that, too, is a danger signal.

Have you consistently allowed the other person to push your
boundaries, to turn you into someone different from who you used to
be? Some of us tend to enter a relationship with a "secret contract"
of which the other person knows nothing. "If I am really a nice, kind, giving person, then s/he will learn what it is to be in that kind of relationship, and will learn to reciprocate." Dream on. Most
frequently, if you enter a relationship with a "taker" and you are
acting as a "giver" it is because that person wants it to be that way, and has no intention of changing. Do not fool yourself. If you are working on an unstated understanding, it is not an understanding
between the two of you, it is an expectation on your part to which the other individual has not agreed, and probably well never fulfill.
Understand that before resentment overcomes you - or you become a
doormat.

When you hear "If you loved me you'd..." followed by something that
you are not fully on board with, my suggestion is that you gently and
lovingly point out that your love for the person is not in any way
connected with whether or not you do whatever is being asked. And then consider carefully whether you really want to remain in a relationship with someone who would ask whatever it is of you... and would try to use your relationship to coerce you.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself using this phrase, ask
yourself if it is really your intention to manipulate whoever you are
talking to. Is whatever you are asking of them really more important
than the relationship? Are you trying to get your own way regardless
of the effect on the other person? If you answers are "No" then
perhaps you can find another, less coercive way to word your requests.

If your answers, in your heart, are "Yes" then... please grow up!

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PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words "Copyright Diana Robinson 2003. For more information visit Diana's web site www.ChoiceCoach.com or contact her at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com."

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Copyright 2002 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
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including this copyright line. Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.