WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine
June 2006

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Go to... go from... difficult situations and directional dilemmas

The saying, "Out of the frying pan, into the fire," exemplifies what can easily happen when someone in transition is attempting to avoid repeating history. In their determination to not make the same mistake again, they may go to another, equally undesirable, extreme. An example is the individual who is in a relationship with someone who is safe and reliable, but with whom there are still problems. For example, if the relationship lacks excitement, s/he may stay in that relationship, fretting but accepting, until someone appears who seems to represent all of the excitement that the current situation seems not to have. The emotional "pull" of all the new possibilities can make leaving the current situation very tempting. Yet the fact is that the individual had stayed in the first relationship until temptation came along. Perhaps it had more going for it than was realized. The same logic can apply to jobs.

I have written often of the fact that we can too easily become unaware of needs that are always met, particularly emotional needs. It is only the unmet needs that claw at us and urge change. There is little, unless we are firm with ourselves, to remind us of the met needs that we have come to take for granted. If we do not keep ourselves aware of them, then a rush to leave a situation simply in order to get into another one can often backfire because we had not truly examined all that we would be leaving behind. Our focus had solely been on what we wanted to go to.

My point is that it is important that we be clear, when making important changes in our lives, whether we are trying to get away from something, or to go toward something, and it is even more important that we do not confuse the two. If a job, or a relationship, or some other type of situation is so bad that we need to flee from it, then we need to flee from it. This does not necessarily mean that we have to immediately replace it. Nor do we have to stay in an untenable situation until we can find a replacement. We need to deal with it as it is, without confusion from other possibilities.

When we are just trying to get away from something, we will often go to the other extreme. The person who has been an exemplary family person, the epitome of hard work and responsibility, may espouse a self-destructive lifestyle, or take up with new acquaintances who are potentially dangerous. The change is not always towards irresponsibility. Counterculture folks, those who have lived a casual and even illegal lifestyle, may astound their friends by becoming conventional, maybe conservative, in their approach to life. The issue is not to judge that a change is good or bad, but to be sure that it is what we choose, that we are not choosing it only because it is the opposite of whatever we are fleeing.

If you are really sure that you wish to leave a situation, then, if it is both safe and practical to do so, leave it. If you are not ready to leave it until you can find a more desirable replacement take a careful look at what is really happening, and what you are getting from the relationship - as opposed to what you are hoping will replace it. The grass that looks so much greener when it is on the other side of the fence may well hide quicksands.

There is nothing wrong with making changes. The trick is to be sure the change is CHOSEN for its desirability, not accidentally arrived at in the pell-mell rush to get away from whatever was wrong with the previous situation.

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Did any readers of Work in Progress try the "keeping track" filing system for bills and other calendar-related paperwork? Was it useful to you? I know that many readers are already well-organized, but have been surprised at how many people do not use a specific system.

I'd like to know if anyone found that part of the last Work in Progress helpful. Please email me at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com with "Filing System Feedback" in the subject line.

And while on the subject of feedback - what would YOU like to see covered in Work in Progress? Any thoughts? Putting "WIP wish-list" in the subject line will help me to track what is incoming.
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Copyright 2006 Diana Robinson, PhD., PCC. Work in
Progress may be reproduced in its entirety only,
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