WORK IN PROGRESS
THE Personal Effectiveness E-zine April 2008

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Relationship ABC's for High Achievers

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As most readers know, although my clients most frequently hire me to work with them on issues of career or business, it frequently happens that they soon begin to talk about relationships that are in some way interfering with whatever issue is officially our main topic.

Not long ago I prepared a very brief speech that was to be given to a group of high-achieving folks, and I based it on conversations that I have had with many clients over the years. Unfortunately, I fell ill, and was not able to give the speech. Because I believe that it has value, I am therefore sharing it with you, my readers, today. Because it was written to be spoken, the style may seem a little different from my usual written style, but I believe that the meaning is relevant to many readers of Work in Progress.

I began with some ways in which two people in a relationship may fail in their communication when one person speaks in frustration, but the other person believes that s/he hears anger. Then I continued:

For many of us, the line between anger and frustration is a fine one indeed. It is even more so when we are on the receiving end, seeking to know the feelings behind what we hear a loved one say.

If any one individual is above average in being smart, swift-thinking and successful, then the law of averages predicts that the person closest to that individual is probably less so. Therein lies a trap, and today I want to help all of us to avoid that trap - for we are all smart, swift-thinking and successful, are we not? And we can all fall into that trap - the trap of showing frustration when someone else thinks more slowly than we do, of irritation when they do not do things as we think they should be done. I remember an aunt - swift-thinking above all - and the pain of everyone who listened as she tried to help a slower-thinking son - not slow thinking, just slower than his mother - with his homework. Her frustration would boil over as what was overwhelmingly evident to her took its sweet time in becoming apparent to her son. That frustration would transform her from a loving, helpful mother into what appeared to be a raging virago.

My clients are most often just such successful and swift-thinking folks, who may have difficulty in relationships. For them I am developing an alphabet of thoughts that aims to counter the focused and fast thinking that can easily undermine what was, originally, a loving and mutually nurturing relationship. In the short time that I have today I will give you, literally, the A B Cs. They stand for acceptance, beware, and cherish.

Acceptance... such a difficult word! Can we accept that others work, think, and behave differently from us without them or us being wrong? Can we accept that differences, like feelings, just ARE? It seems trite to turn to the flower bed, where some plants come to full flower in weeks while others take years, and yet the analogy works well.

Can we also accept that it is even more difficult for the slower thinker to speed up than for the faster thinker to slow down? So... who needs to adapt? Who needs to accept?

Beware... Beware the rolling incremental differences. We tend to work to our strengths. If one of a couple is just a little better or swifter at a task, rather than watch the other struggle the speedier will most frequently take on the chore, and so become even more competent at it. Starting with almost balanced task load and abilities, or, say, a 49/51 percent distribution, the swifter may take on 54 percent. It doesn't feel like much more, but the difference between the two has quadrupled, and will most probably continue to increase, rolling incrementally. Soon one will feel over-burdened, while the other feels increasingly incompetent and helpless at that task. Remember, two of the most powerful motivations for humans are to feel competent, and that we have mastery of something. Do we help others when we deny them both? Beware the rolling incremental differences!

Lastly, cherish! Cherish the remembrance of all that we loved when we first met the person! Cherish the differences that attracted us even though those differences may now grate sorely on our nerves. Cherish the person! It is most likely that person has not changed! It is our perception that has changed. Familiarity does indeed breed contempt if we allow ourselves to stop cherishing.

I cannot tell you that learning to accept, beware and cherish is a universal panacea for all troubled relationships. Nonetheless, I can tell you that it is a mantra that promises much. Accept, beware, and cherish. Perhaps you can create the rest of the alphabet for your own situation. (Or perhaps I will work on doing that sometime in the future.)

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Change in subscribe/unsubscribe options

In the past it has been possible to subscribe or unsubscribe, or change your email address, for Work in Progress directly by sending a blank email to addresses that were given at the end of this newsletter. Unfortunately, ongoing problems with viruses and spam have resulted in our automatic acknowledgements being sent to thousands of no longer active email addresses. They then bounce back to my address, where I have to check them and delete them - in the hundreds every day. My website host has therefore deleted this option. Subscribes, unsubscribes, and changes of address will now need to come directly to me at, for the moment, Diana@dianarobinson.com

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Disclaimer -The contents herein are solely the opinions of Work in Progress owner, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought.
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PLEASE! Any re-use of this material should include the words "Copyright Diana Robinson 2008. For more information visit Diana's web site http://ChoiceCoach.com or contact her at Diana@dianarobinson.com."

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